Iraqi Jackie

Seeing the Predators

2012-01-28T19:11:00.001-06:00

James and I went and saw a Nashville Predator's hockey game the other day with our friends Collin and Max. None of us really give a crap about hockey, we just went to get out of the house and drink $9 beer in a cold arena.

I don't know who the opposing team was. I don't know what the score was. I don't know who won. I do know I was pretty tipsy.

Another thing I can tell you is that while we were leaving the game, we passed a school bus that was parked right outside the arena. It said Tennessee School for the Blind on the side.

Who the hell brings a bunch of blind kids to a hockey game?

Just Funny

2012-01-27T08:33:00.002-06:00

This made me laugh, just thought I'd share it!

Cars In Clarksville

2012-01-22T19:11:00.001-06:00

I saw this car in the parking lot of Lowe's and I had to do a double take. I've seen people who put those team pride flags in their windows or reindeer antlers at Christmas time, but this was really different:

Is this something people are doing now?

It has jeweled eyeliner, too. The picture doesn't do it justice. What the heck is wrong with people? Clearly, a woman drives that car. And you can bet her husband/significant other is morbidly embarrassed if he has to take her car for a quick trip to the home improvement warehouse.

Staff Duty Paperwork

2012-01-16T10:27:00.000-06:00

I'm winding down a 24 hour shift at work. I have 2 hours to go; I quit chugging Monsters and stuffing my face with Flaming Hot Cheetos over an hour ago in preparation for sweet slumber once I'm relieved of this duty. Now I'm more bored than I can truly express.

I started digging through the drawers of the desk I've been perched at for the past 22 hours. Not a whole lot beside plastic cutlery and old US Weekly magazines in there. But then I found this big green binder that had this interesting sticky note on it:

"This book is useless, see notes inside."

Now I'm interested.

I started flipping through the green binder and it was full of blank military documents, and several other informational sticky notes throughout the book.

"Why is this needed? Why is this at the staff duty desk? I don't think it's needed."

"We are not on a flight line... Why do we have this at the staff duty desk?"

"This is filled out by the 1SG, there is no reason to have this at the staff duty desk."

This is clearly the work of another painfully bored NCO at the end of their shift. Instead of removing the folder and fixing the problem, mockery of the book commenced. This could have/would have been me if I had gotten my hands on this book first. Bravo, anonymous NCO. Bravo.

Iraqi Jackie still?

2012-01-15T20:41:00.008-06:00

Well, since we went ahead and pulled out of Iraq (prematurely, in my opinion (what a sexual sentence that became suddenly)), I'm left to make a decision involving my blog. Do I continue to keep the alias of Iraqi Jackie? Not a lot else rhymes with 'Jackie'....

Khaki Jackie? I'd like to think my personality is more colorful than that.

Lackey Jackie? Oh come on, that sounds like a bad Disney villain.

Tacky Jackie? We're getting a little closer, but do I want people to think I dress like an old Asian lady?

Wacky Jackie? Theme park. Definitely a water theme park.

As of now, I'm staying with Iraqi Jackie. Not just because it's familiar and safe, but because I've made it my log in ID for Game Center on my iPhone. You can't just change something like that on a whim.

What a Life

2012-01-10T19:00:00.000-06:00

Picasso really leads a rough life...

First Picasso post of 2012! WOOT!

2 + 2 + 2 = Insantiy

2012-01-08T18:35:00.000-06:00

Getting promoted to Sergeant (E-5) and Staff Sergeant (E-6) in the Army is based on a points scale. The scale maxes out at 800 points. You earn points in various ways, and one of them is Military Education.

Military Education can either be done in a sit-down in-person course put on by the Army, or you can do it online via Correspondence Courses. Those damn courses used to be so easy until the Army got wise to us and changed it up so cheating is obsolete. Obsolete until Soldiers figure out how to cheat again-- which will happen sooner or later.

For now, I have to actually complete them myself. :( And, of course, this new system is still full of bugs and the Help Desk folks you can call clearly hate their jobs.

My Platoon Sergeant assigned 2 courses to the platoon. Neither course has been short. And several times I have set aside the time to complete a course on Anatomy or Physiology and the course crashed on me. Two times this has happened. Those two tests are 100 questions each, and both times the test crashed on question 99.

2 different tests. 2 hours it takes me to get to question 99. 2 times it has crashed. No credit gets awarded for an incomplete test. I am going to lose my mind. Thank you, Army, for creating such a stellar computer based education system.

New Paint, New Year!

2012-01-02T13:15:00.001-06:00

I painted my living room over the 4 day New Year weekend. I am a party animal. The paint still needs a few touch ups and the tray ceiling needs to be painted. I'm so sick of painting right now I'm living with the flaws for a while! My right arm is exhausted!!

Before: Yucky mint green walls.

After: Yummy milk chocolate walls.

I love having a house. It's one of the better decisions I made in 2011.

Oh, and Happy New Year. It's been a hot minute since I posted anything. I try to keep this blog light hearted and funny. And there is absolutely nothing positive about my outlook on my military career right now. No sense writing depressing or angry blogs. I'll find my positive pants sooner or later and get back to blogging. Until then....

Veteran's Day 2011

2011-11-12T14:33:00.000-06:00

How did I spend my Veteran's Day?

Well let me tell you:

First off, I had the day off. So praise Jesus for that. So I slept until noon. Then I hung out in my pajamas with Picasso and James until around 5pm. Then I dressed myself for the day. James and I went to the movies and saw "Immortals". We could have skipped it and it wouldn't have changed my life for the better or for the worse. Then we went to dinner.

Applebees and a few other establishments were offering free meals to veterans all day. We drove passed Applebees and took one look at the wrap around line and went to a Japanese steak house that didn't even offer a military discount.

Damn it feels good to be a Veteran. :)

FTX November

2011-11-10T14:09:00.002-06:00

We packed up our Army stuff and went on a little field training exercise (FTX) last week. Three wonderful days and two luxurious nights, all inclusive. And by that I mean, we trained outside in the cold and rain all day, slept in a tent that reeked of mold and had intermittent heat at best, and ate hot chow out of green plastic rubber maid containers.

Ah, yes, I love the field.

The training wasn't all that bad this go-around. Usually we're running a TMC (troop medical clinic): taking fake casualties all day and most of the night so there is little time for rest. This time we were out there doing Army Training. You know, running around with fake rubber weapons and crawling through dirt. Assaulting objectives and reacting to notional enemies. As soon as the sun went down, all Army training stopped (just like in real life....?) and we got to sleep.

Hooah Hooah Hooah.

All of this training culminated in a fake convoy through several training sites in order to we put all the lessons together. One of my junior Soldiers was chosen to be the convoy commander for our run. I got to be her advisor. You know, the person who has actually done this stuff who could give her ideas and reel her in when she started to get over whelmed.

PFC Bowman did an outstanding job and I was really proud of her! Proud like a Mama Bear!! I have great troops!!

1 year :)

2011-11-01T14:21:00.002-05:00

James and I have been together for one year. It feels goooood.

Love you, babe!

Halloween 2011

2011-10-30T17:20:00.000-05:00

James and I attempted to throw a big Halloween party, but somehow people didn't get the memo and there was a poor turn out. Halloween is also James' birthday, so it really sucked that he was disappointed.

So thanks to this Halloween, we're not throwing any more parties at our casa for a while. And secretly, I think my house is relieved. There is only so much vomit a house can take in non-vomit approved areas.

Regardless of a lot of our friends being no-show turds, the friends that came out, came in style. We had some good costumes. Here are some of my favorites:

Picasso was a shark.

James was Osama bin Laden, the AFTER version.

Max as Richard Simmons and Jake as Borat!

Darby (Pirate), Me (Cruella DeVille), Collin (Sweatin' to the Oldies Chick) & Sagen (Zombie).

Gross!

2011-10-29T17:26:00.021-05:00

This morning James and I were lying in bed just hanging out. I had already let Picasso out of his kennel and he was under the bed happily grunting and chewing on one of his rawhide bones. A totally normal Saturday morning.

We eventually decided to peel ourselves from the bed and start the day. As soon as James sat up, he said, "What the fuck!?" So that made me sit up, too.

There was a dead mouse on the bedroom floor. A dead, completely soaked with saliva, mouse.

Seriously, what the fuck? I don't know who killed it, either Dracula or Picasso, but it definitely was in Picasso's mouth last.

Since our neighbor's house is abandoned, a colony of mice claimed it. The weather is getting cold; even freezing the last couple nights. I think the mice are going on their annual pilgrimage towards warmer environments. Sigh. I guess that means we need to set more traps. I don't want my animals eating those filthy little things. And I swear to God, if Dracula brings a dead mouse onto my bed, I'm going to have a heart attack.

A Little Remodeling

2011-10-15T13:42:00.001-05:00

I painted my kitchen. It needed a face lift. Every time I walked in, I felt like I was walking into 1996. Now I'm looking forward to new appliances someday in my future.

Before

After

Much more modern, much more me! It's amazing what some paint can do!

No Smoking

2011-10-06T13:37:00.001-05:00

Ok, ok! I won't smoke my pet! Picasso doesn't like physical activity anyway!!

Flashbacks to Fort Lewis

2011-09-23T06:13:00.002-05:00

When I saw this:

I had a wild flashback to my time spent at Fort Lewis, WA. Notice it's dark, raining, 57 degrees and my car is in park in the middle of the road.

I do not miss the traffic and weather at Fort Lewis!! So when it happens here at Fort Campbell, I'm so sad!! I thought I ran away from all that.

Whenever I start to get nostalgic about Fort Lewis, and I think I want to go back, days like this happen and I'm reminded why I'm glad I left.

Military Wives Part 2

2011-09-22T20:14:00.002-05:00

Military wives were blowing my mind again at Warriors Leaders Course graduation. The ceremony was at 10:30am. Between black fishnet stockings and completely see through white pants, I didn't know who to take pictures of first!

She was a clear favorite.

See Through White Pants Girl in the background.

I've made the decision that when James graduates from WLC, I'm going to show up like I just left the club. Like, maybe literally. Last night's dress, make-up and hair like I was doing the walk of shame to his ceremony.

Rabies!?

2011-09-16T17:00:00.008-05:00

A few weeks back a Soldier at Fort Drum was killed from rabies that he contracted from a rabid animal while he was deployed to Afghanistan. Of course, the Army has blown this isolated incident out of proportion, because that's what we do around these parts. A survey was sent out Army wide to pick out Soldiers who are "high risk" for having contracted rabies while over seas in 2010-2011.

I love animals. I would pet any dog or cat I could get my hands on while I was deployed. Thus making me "high risk".

So I had an appointment at Preventive Med to be interviewed about my experiences with Iraqi animals. As I was sitting in an exam room explaining to a Captain all of the interaction I had with wild animals, I started to rethink my initial thoughts that this was a completely unnecessary medical appointment.

I was reminded of Combat Stress Kitty and how we evacuated her head to be tested for rabies after she went bat shit crazy and attacked a Soldier. I used to pet that cat all the time. And she would lick me: lick me with possibly rabid saliva on her tongue!

The doc that I was telling all of this to started to inform me of the rabies vaccine. He told me it was a very expensive series of shots ($700 on Uncle Sam's tab!). And then about the 10cc of imunoglobin that were going to be injected into my thighs and the weekly shots in my arms for 4 weeks. He then pulled out a Rx pad and wrote a prescription for me to get the series of shots. HeHe put me in an exam room and told me to remove my pants in preparation for the shots in my thighs.

PANIC!

When he came back to the exam room in what seemed like hours later, he told me I didn't need the shots after all. He said I did not fall into what "Army protocol" requires to receive the vaccine series.

After the relief washed over me, and I put my pants back on, I started to feel slightly offended. Why wasn't I good enough for the shots!? What part of the Army protocol didn't I meet!? Was it because it's an expensive vaccine and I'm not worth it!? WTF!

All I have to say is, I better not have rabies.

Basic Life Support

2011-09-08T19:19:00.002-05:00

Basic Life Support, or BLS (as the Army loves acronyms), is the "new" term for CPR. New is used loosely because I think it's been called that for a long time, but most people still call it CPR. Anyhow, that's enough back story.

Since the God who deems the rules of BLS is constantly changing his mind on how he wants it performed, I had a recertification class today under the new standards. Really, not a lot changed. It actually is easier now.

I was partners with a good friend of mine, Sagen. We sat down at one of the tables and quickly realized we were going to preform CPR on an interracial family. Black man and a white baby. Then we looked around and noticed ALL the dummies had been paired that way. It's not a big deal, but what are the odds!?

Sagen and I saved our interracial family from certain death and were rectified for another 2 years under the new standards of BLS.

Smart Phones Are Not So Smart

2011-09-06T19:00:00.002-05:00

Who needs a social life with your co-workers when you can stare mindlessly at your smart phone instead?

I know it's not just the people I work with. I know it's my entire generation. Those smart phones are ruining our ability to interact with our peers.

Studies have shown (studies courtesy of Jackie) that when people go through bad experiences together, it brings them closer together. An unspoken bond. United through the suck. The Army is generally one big bad experience, and the only way we Soldiers get through it with a smile on our faces is because we can joke with the guy next to us about how much our situation sucks. At least, that's how it is deployed.

Smart phones are spoiling that bond in garrison. How are you supposed to get to know your battle buddy before you deploy if your eyes are always glued to your smart phone. Your Droid isn't going to save your life down range. Your iPhone isn't going to laugh with you when your physically and mentally exhausted down range.

I'm just saying, maybe we should put the phones down more often in the name of camaraderie.

Skittles VS Picasso

2011-09-03T23:35:00.000-05:00

Perhaps you remember my neighbor's cat, Skittles? She's always sleeping in my yard, driveway, back porch, front porch or car. She wouldn't be a bother at all if she wasn't completely deaf. You have to actually physically touch her with something and scare the shit out of her to get her out of the way of your vehicle.

Just today I was watering my garden and she shot out of the flowers like a rocket because I sprayed her with the hose while she was napping.

Since Skittles is oblivious to everything around her, she has no idea when Picasso is en route to "play" with her. "Play" is interchangeable with "maul" in that sentence.

A few days ago Picasso was going nuts at the backdoor. Our backdoor has a full length pane of glass in it so it's just the right height for Picasso to see out of. Sure enough, Skittles was asleep on my patio furniture: not giving a shit that a dog was barking his smashed little head off at her. 10 minutes later Picasso was still barking, so I got up to check out the situation and Skittles was awake (shocking) and peering through the glass back at Picasso.

Skittles and Picasso fought through the window for at least 10 minutes. It was absolutely hilarious. Skittles was holding her ground. In fact, had there not been glass keeping them apart, I'd put money on Skittles whooping Picasso's ass. After a while, she got bored in pure cat fashion and sauntered deafly away.

Skittles 1: Picasso 0.

Zombie Farm

2011-08-20T15:37:00.000-05:00

I am obsessed with a game. It's a stupid iPhone app that has slowly taken over my life. It's called Zombie Farm.

The idea of the game is I have this little plot of land in which I can plant vegetables and zombies. Once I build an army of 16 zombies I can go to battle with different villains such as: Old McDonald, lawyers, pirates, etc. You can plant certain vegetables alongside zombies that will mutate the zombie and give it super strengths. For instance, planting broccoli can give a zombie hair like broccoli and +2 to strength.

This seemingly leisurely game gets time consuming because all the plants and zombies have different grow times. And if you don't log in shortly after the crop is ready to be cultivated, it will wilt and die. Thus the gold you spent to plant the crop is lost.

Of course there is gold involved. What kind of game would this be without a gold currency system??

I find myself logging in almost every 15 minutes to ensure I don't lose my crops.... (Go on and judge me, I am right now, too...)

Before I go to sleep I plant crops that take 8 hours to mature so they don't die over night. I plant crops that take 2 hours to mature while I do PT in the morning so when I'm on my way home to shower I can cultivate and plant different crops.

I have a problem.

And I need to harvest some corn in about 5 minutes.

New Hairstyle

2011-08-14T08:31:00.000-05:00

I generally get my hair cut once a year, and it's never really a hair style. Just a cut to get rid of all the gnarls and witchy ends to my hair. It goes up into a boring bun everyday for the Army, so why do I really need a style?

But yesterday I took myself to the mall and got a $50 hair style and cut (because my hair really was looking and feeling like straw).

It looks so much better. Which makes me feel so much better.

Sometimes a gal needs to pamper herself. Even if it'll be in a bun 90% of the time and no one will know there is a cute hair style under there.

Chubby Soldier

2011-08-02T19:37:00.001-05:00

So I don't know what the Hell happened, but I just recently noticed that I've gotten chubby. It was a sudden onset-- I never saw it coming! I'm all about having a little "junk in the trunk", but it seems I've got a U-Haul behind me nowadays.

I think the downfall to my decent figure was moving in with James. You know what happens when you're in a happy relationship: you eat together. And you stop trying to impress other members of the opposite sex so you "let it go". And by that I mean, you get drunk and eat Wendy's at 2am with your boyfriend every weekend.

It's time to start dieting.

But I can't let go of beer! I love beer! The Soldier in me is screaming, "YOU CAN'T GIVE UP BEER!" So this is what I've resorted to:

It tastes like pee and water. Why am I still drinking this?

By the way, please excuse the band aid on my thumb. I cut myself while I was chopping green onions to put in super yummy red skin mashed potatoes. Oh. Maybe I should attack my fatty cooking style before I attack my beer.

Tomorrow starts the diet. Yuck. But there is no room for a chubby girl in ACU's. I won't let that be me!

Hearts Are Not Punctuation Marks

2011-07-24T13:47:00.002-05:00

I was browsing blogs with military themes just a moment ago and I came across one that was actually quite clever. I had thoughts of adding it to my "follow" list until I reached the end of her first post. The author of this blog (which shall remain nameless) signed off each post with this signature:

Nothing makes me hate another woman faster than a heart or a smiley face in her signature. Especially in the military. (This particular blogger was in the Air Force, and I know that's not REALLY the military, but for all intensive purposes, we will call it that.) It screams that you don't want to be taken seriously one moment of your professional life. God help me if she signs military documents with that signature.

Maybe it's just the independent and strong woman that I am, but I loathe signs of weakness in other women. And I absolutely detest military women who take 2 steps back for our gender while I can barely inch forward.

I work a physical job and get dirty with the best of them. I know a lot of military women who bust their asses at work, but all it takes is one: One paper pusher girl with a pound of makeup on who looks for a man to lift heavy things for her and signs her damn name with a heart to tear down everything the rest of us worked so hard to be taken seriously on.

Whew. I just needed to vent.

And besides, Paris Hilton signs her name like that. Nothing about Paris says "professional".

Noble Dog

2011-07-22T19:59:00.000-05:00

Picasso just so freaking cute. I had to share this.

In The Closet

2011-07-20T14:22:00.000-05:00

I'm on 24 hour battalion staff duty right now. But since I had to report to my unit 4 hours early yesterday to do Army stuff in the sun, my shift is realistically 28 hours long. It's times like right now that I hate math.

So anyhow, I was wandering around battalion headquarters around 0300 willing myself to stay awake when I came across this little sign posted beside a seemingly ordinary closet:

What the heck is in that closet!? And more importantly, am I going to be shot for taking a picture of this sign? The closet is in the center of the building; what type of vehicle could possibly fit in there? What is the installation commander hiding? And really, am I going to be shot?

Whatever it is, it's pretty clever to hide it in a broom closet. Most people would assume this high speed warning was simply misplaced upon the wrong wall in quite possibly the wrong building. But my sharp reasoning skills at this hour have allowed me to see past that nonsense.

Something is going down at the 86th Combat Support Hospital. Something BIG. (But not so big that it won't fit in a closet.)

I'm going to down another 5 Hour Energy shot now. I've got to tweak out my brain to make it through my remaining 4 hours of duty. You know, before I'm allowed to drive my car home after being awake for approximately 30 hours. Ah Army, you put up a good front of being concerned about safety, but I'm on to you.

To Hell And Back

2011-07-14T19:02:00.000-05:00

I spent the last 3 days in the 5th circle of Hell. Yes, I am aware that circle represents anger (according to Dante's Inferno) and it's completely accurate. I took part in my first field exercise with the 501st ASMC and it made me want to shoot myself. It's a shame we weren't given any rounds, or even blanks for that matter.

It was roughly 110 degrees with 80% humidity. And since God hates me, and I'm in an EVAC platoon once again, I spent my day outside in the blistering heat and humidity carting fake casualties around on litters.

We kept getting hit with mass casualty scenarios. Heaven forbid people get in "accidents" by themselves. No, no. Instead, 5 people fell out of a deer stand and hit their heads and walked to the clinic for medical care.

Who writes these stupid scenarios anyway?

The worst part of being slammed by mass chaos of casualties was that we didn't have anywhere to cool off in between waves of fake injured people. Instead we had this:

We ate there, napped there, hung out there and tried to sleep over night there. The one attempt to stay outside all night resulted in a terrible thunderstorm that ripped our shelter out of the ground and tossed it aside like trash. In the morning, the wreckage looked like a tornado had ran through a trailer park.

There were not any shower facilities available to us, so I was absolutely filthy the whole time. If I had gotten into water, the grease from my hair could have killed dolphins. Everyday was just another layer of sweat and bug spray that coated my skin in a thin film of gross. I wore one uniform over the 3 day exercise which I soaked completely through everyday with sweat. It smelled awful.

I sweat more than I ever did in Iraq. Terrible. Thank you Fort Campbell for making this experience possible.

NBC Suit

2011-07-09T19:04:00.007-05:00

Saving the world, one chemical spill at a time!

Turkeys, really?

2011-07-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

Today, James had to unexpectedly stay over night pulling medical coverage at a small arms range with his infantry company.

Being the ever dutiful girlfriend, I brought him a blanket and Subway. Somewhere in the small print in the definition of Army Girlfriend it states, "Thou shall perform all matronly tasks regardless of wilderness or wild." Seriously, you should look that shit up.

So he says to me, "I'm at range 27."

I wasn't exactly sure where range 27 was, but I'm a pretty smart girl, and the ranges are labeled from the road in numerical order. So I took off in my little red car and was on the hunt for range 27 in the back woods of Fort Campbell. And I found out range 27 is freaking far away from main post!

While on my search, I turned the stereo up and flew through the back roads. Until, that is, I saw something funny in the road up ahead of me. I slowed down. I slowed way down. Then I stopped. I was face to face with turkeys. Wild turkeys that didn't have any intentions in their bird brains to let me pass.

I honked at them, and that got them running. I took a picture of them fleeing in terror. Take that turkeys! I had a hot sandwich to deliver!

4th Of July Fireworks

2011-07-04T09:37:00.001-05:00

Fireworks! James and I went to downtown Clarksville and watched the fireworks show on the 3rd of July. It was a pretty cool show. We were ninjas and avoided the hoards of people by hiding out on a tall grassy hill overlooking the river. We could see the fireworks perfectly and had minimal exposure to crying, screaming children.

Caught Blue Handed

2011-07-01T10:00:00.011-05:00

Picasso has a fetish for ink pens. He'll go to great lengths to locate a pen, commandeer the pen, and devour the pen like it's a covert black ops mission. He's truly a pen stealing ninja.

Unfortunately, he gets ink all over his feet, his mouth and (my personal favorite) the carpet. There is a streak of green ink on the brand new living room carpet. And now there is a pool of blue under my bed. Picasso ate a permanent blue map marker. A week ago. And his feet are still blue. And my carpet is still ruined.

It's a damn good thing he's cute.

Scarlett Blizzard

2011-06-30T08:17:00.002-05:00

Apparently the Fort Campbell Education Center hires strippers to do thier IT work.

Oh, My Feet

2011-06-25T21:39:00.000-05:00

You'd think that nearly 6 years in the Army and 2 Iraq deployments would have toughened up my feet somewhere along the line.

The worst part is, usually my feet look WORSE. In this picture I don't have any blisters. Or any patches of white/yellow deflated old blisters. There aren't any flaps of dead loose skin. Or pointy half dead but still attached slivers of skin. And in this picture I'm not bleeding anywhere.

All and all, this is a pretty nice picture of the bottom of my foot.

So sad.

Epic Rap Battles of History: Abe Lincoln VS Chuck Norris

2011-06-22T21:53:00.001-05:00

Abe Lincoln totally kicked Chuck Norris' ass.

I love this video.

DoD Civilians

2011-06-16T21:04:00.000-05:00

I'm in a HazMat class for the next two weeks. It would be gouge-your-eyes-out boring, but the civilian instructor is a pretty goofy guy. He keeps the class rolling along. The students aren't just Soldiers; there are Department of Defense civilians, too. The best part about it is I'm allowed to wear civilian clothes to class.

My partner for the next two weeks is an older gentleman who works at Redstone Arsenal in Arizona. He's completely lost in the sauce when it comes to understanding Soldiers and what we do on a daily basis. He was floored we do PT every morning and that the job description of a Sergent is really just a glorified babysitter.

Class starts at 0800. This guy generally rolls in around 0815. He is shocked everyday the class began on time. He says we are so discipline for being on time. I think he's just lazy because the other DoD civilians seem to get here on time. He's always asking me questions that the instructor literally just explained. He reads into questions way too far and tries to take me on his word problem rendezvous through limbo all day.

He's a chemist. That's basically a scientist in my book. So if my partner in a HazMat class deals with chemical makeup of hazardous materials every day of his working life, then why does he have such a learning disability in this Army class?

To top it off, he asked me today what a "round" was while we were learning about explosives and ammunition. HE WORKS AT AN ARSENAL.

The Mariner's Revenge With LEGOs

2011-06-15T20:00:00.000-05:00

My favorite musical group, hands down, is The Decemberists. My mom asked me last time I was home what they sounded like and I really couldn't accurately explain it. So, here is a silly video to go along with one of their more jaunty maritime adventure songs.

Fiesta

2011-06-13T17:19:00.000-05:00

Blah blah blah, it's been a long time since I blogged. Well, whatever. Hiatus aside, a few things have been going on here in good 'ol Tennessee.

For starters, I got a new car! I traded in my truck for a 2011 Ford Fiesta. It's like a Mexican party every time I get in it! The dealer was a real life Mexican, like, the broken English kind. His name was Ramon and he force fed me chicken enchiladas while we were waiting for the finance lady to crunch numbers. I half expected to get a free sombrero with purchase.

I've had a wonderful idea for a few years now to put those terrible white family member stick people window stickers on the back of my car. New car: new stickers. So I spent $30 on one lady sticker and 8 cat stickers. It appears I am a crazy cat lady. I love it.

My new little Fiesta is so wildly popular that the neighbor's cat climbed in through the open window last night and slept in the back window. I had 8 white cats in the window when I went to bed, and this morning I had 9.

Skittles, the cat, joined my collection.

Lightweight Traveler

2011-06-12T17:38:00.001-05:00

When advertising portability is an acceptable way to sling liquor, you know you're in the South.

New Scent

2011-05-20T08:58:00.001-05:00

So I was sitting at work, minding my own business, and I caught a whiff of something absolutely terrible. I stuck my nose down into my tan T-shirt to make sure it wasn't me. And it sure was me. It smelled like oranges and piss.

I looked at the Staff Sergeant sitting across from me and said, "My shirt smells like oranges and piss."

To which he responded, "Is that a new Tide scent? I tried mountain spring and shit once and I didn't like it."

Epic.

Dracula, Bwa ha ha!

2011-05-17T21:22:00.002-05:00

There has been a new edition to the DeGraf / Buckley homestead. Meet Dracula!

I know, I know. She's so flippin' adorable and tiny! How could I have given her such an ominous and dark name? Well, she may look innocent, but she's packing a grill full of razor wire in that tiny mouth.

She appeared out of no where in the middle of the night. Just like a spooky vampire story.

We were having a party with the garage door open. The kitten crashed our party and instantly won me over with her cuteness. Her tiny meow was all I had to hear to know I had to have her. I begged James to let me keep her. He was standing his ground firmly to keep the house feline-free.

I brought the kitten in the house anyway.

I knew in order to smuggle the kitten into permanent pet-hood I would have to integrate her into a friendly relationship with Picasso. Getting James to go along with my scheme would be much easier. It turned out Picasso really liked the kitten. But the feelings were not mutual. The kitten reacted to Picasso in such a frenzy of fur and claws that she accidentally bit two boys (one happened to be James-- poor choice, kitty).

She drew blood.

I made the excuses that they just needed time to get to know one another and everything would work out just fine. James wasn't buying it and told me to put the kitten outside. I sadly did put the kitten out. But the next morning I woke up to tiny meows outside my bedroom window.

Now she's our pet. Our pet Dracula.

Obama Is My Homeboy

2011-05-07T14:51:00.000-05:00

After the much anticipated slaying of Osama bin Laden, President Obama came to Fort Campbell, Kentucky to talk to and to congratulate the Soldiers. It was a pretty small gathering of Soldiers chosen to hear the president speak, and what do you know? I got chosen to go!

Air Force 1 loomed over the air field on Fort Campbell as we entered the hangar where we were to hear the president speak. It was standing room only by the time I arrived. Approximately 800 Soldiers sat in bleachers and crowded around the tiny stage at the front.

I waited 2 hours. There is always a lot of unnecessary waiting when it comes to any Army operation. The hangar doors closed, we all cheered. We waiting another hour. 800 breathing, stinking Soldiers wallowing in their own sweat. When President Obama finally entered the stage, he wasn't wearing his suit jacket. I wished I could downgrade my jacket!

President Obama spoke to us about how proud he is to be in command of the World's greatest military. He promised a withdrawal of 100,000 Soldiers out of Afghanistan this autumn. He pumped us up and motivated us. It was so cool to get to hear my Commander In Chief speak. It was the first time I'd ever been in the presence of any president.

After he was done with his speech, he came closer to the crowd. A lot of Soldiers turned and tried to get out of the stifling hot hangar leaving a ton of open space near President Obama. Always the opportunist, I marched myself right up to the side of the stage, extended my hand and what do you know? He grasped it. He looked at me, smiled and said, "Thank you for your service."

Nashville, TN

2011-04-27T14:05:00.000-05:00

James and I went to Nashville for a couple's retreat put on by the Army. We had an evening away from class and were told to go do a relationship building activity. Well, I don't know if you've been watching the Weather Channel lately, but Tennessee is getting fucked up by tornadoes and thunderstorms. So instead of going to the zoo or to a mini golf course and risk being blown away or struck by lightening, we bar hopped in downtown Nashville.

And I got HAMMERED. 6 hours of continuous drinking will do that.

I haven't been that drunk in public since the last time I went to Las Vegas. If that is any kind of gauge, you should be impressed-- I was a hot mess. I won't get into the details to save my mom the embarrassment of having raised a drunk, but let me just say, there was hysterical laughter, low crawling and vomit.

Lots and lots of vomit.

We had a really good time. I'm not quite sure the chaplain really meant for us to go get black out drunk as a relationship building exercise, but hey, every couple is different.

Hiatus

2011-04-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

Please forgive my temporary leave of absence. I am compiling all my blog entries (along with some filler) from my latest Iraq deployment to write a book. So updating the blog is going to fall to the way side unless something truly hilarious or incredible happens. Wish me luck on the book thing, I might just need it.

New Carpet

2011-04-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

We had new carpet installed in the living room and hallway on Friday. It has a subtle diamond pattern running through it. It looks so much better than the cheap tan apartment quality carpet that the previous owners had through out the entire house. New carpet in the master bedroom is next on the list of flooring improvements.

House On A Lake

2011-04-13T15:46:00.001-05:00

I love my house. I love love love it!

I never thought owning a home would be something that I would enjoy. Especially owning a home with a really big yard. I've never had an interest in gardening, and now that I have a home, I suddenly have green thumbs! I've planted bushes and flowers. Grass seed has been laid and bushes have been shaped and trimmed. I like to lovingly look at my yard and make plans on what I want to do next to improve it.

However, when it rains, my backyard takes on quite a different look.

The backyard when it's sunny.

The backyard on the lake.

If I had any plans to do something spectacular with the far end of the backyard, I most certainly do not anymore. There is a drainage ditch from the street running along the side of my yard, and then the neighbors have the neighborhood drain in their backyard. So when it rains too much for the drain to keep up, it floods the back yards. No wooden fences for us. No big vegetable gardens for us. No dog kennel in the back for us.

Luckily the yard is huge (absolutely a riding lawn mower is a necessity) and I can spare that part of yard to be an occasional lake. Maybe my house would appraise for more if the appraiser came on a day when my property was lake front!?

Government Shut Down

2011-04-08T15:11:00.000-05:00

Government shut down? As in, I still have to report to work like normal but I don't receive a paycheck for doing so? The government better get their shit together and make some decisions on the budget, because my personal budget requires a paycheck every 15 days.

Mouse In My House

2011-04-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

There is a mouse in my house. I thought I saw one run across my kitchen floor out of the corner of my eye a few days ago, but I dismissed it. I've never had a mouse in my house before so I didn't think it could happen to me.

But he's definitely here.

I'm not afraid of mice. I actually think they're really cute. But the discovery of this mouse did make me scream like a little girl.

As I was lifting the garbage bag out of the garbage can, the mouse sprung out from a hole he had chewed in the bag. He landed on my boot (as I was in uniform). I screamed. Picasso came running. The mouse took off. In a black blur of mouse, he scampered under my washer and has not been seen since. And Picasso did nothing. Apparently mouse hunting is not a skill set he possesses.

I found evidence under the kitchen sink that the mouse has been sharing our house for a while. He left poo all over under there. Yuck! I wish I could have no regard for where I poo.

I wonder how the mouse got into my garbage can in the first place. The can is a metal cylinder. With a lid. I wonder if I accidentally threw away the mouse in the past couple days? Did I pick him up? Has there been a mouse hanging out in my garbage and Picasso didn't even notice him moving around in there?

As cute as he may be (if I ever got to see more of him than just a blur), he can't stay. I told James to get traps. I suggested humane traps. He said, "The kind that snap?" So... I guess we're going to end up killing the little guy. I figured since he had the ability to Houdini into the garbage can, we could spare his life. Poor little mouse in my house.

Nails 88

2011-04-06T19:58:00.001-05:00

Long story short, James needed me to urgently meet him half way between our house and Fort Campbell. So as I'm tearing down the road, he calls me to confirm the rendezvous point.

James: "Where are you?"

Me: "By the nail salon in that stupid strip mall in the middle of no where."

James: "The one that looks like a penis?"

So let me explain that. This is what the sign looks like outside the nail salon:

Since we were in a hurry, I just agreed that, yes, I was near the nail salon that looked like a penis. I could see why he suggested that. But I never previously thought the sign resembled a penis. Every time I passed it, I thought about the KKK.

Perhaps that needs some explanation as well. We've been watching a lot of shows about prison lately. And a lot of prisoners join gangs for protection while they're locked up. A popular choice is the Skin Heads. These prisoners get all kinds of tattoos all over their bodies declaring their loyalty to hating everyone who isn't a white redneck. One such tattoo is a "88" which stands for Hail Hitler (the letter "H" being the 8th letter of the alphabet). So I pass this nail salon every day and all I can think about is Hitler getting his nails done there.

Which brings me back to a previous blog about that van that I see all over Clarksville. The one that I swear says "Hitler" all over it with the smiley faces. What is really going on here? What kind of town do I really live in? Shits getting raw, that's for sure.

You Know You're Getting Old When...

2011-04-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

James and I had a date night last night. Woo-hoo out on the town in Clarksville, Tennessee! We went to the movies and saw Insidious (which I do not recommend at all, save your money). We should have known better than to go see a movie on its opening night, on military payday and on a Friday. The theater was packed. There were teenagers everywhere. The stars were aligned for an awful experience.

Through out the whole movie, we sat beside the world's most annoying man. He screamed and talked the entire time. James actually thanked him for ruining the movie for him as the credits were rolling. I think the movie would have ruined itself but it's always nice to point fingers. This guy irritated James enough that he actually went to find a manager to complain that this guy wasn't removed from the theater by the morbidly obese police officer with the giant dip in his lip that was standing at the front of the theater the whole time.

While James was complaining, I exited stage right to the ladies room. Upon entering the loosely coined "ladies" room, I had flashbacks to the club. There were half dressed teenaged girls all inspecting their cleavage and butts in the mirrors and taking camera phone pictures of their faces all squished together in the most provocative poses they could muster. I tried not to stare. I tried not to make disgusted faces. I made my ladies room experience short.

I can't really justify it, but I was incredibly annoyed with those teenage girls. And for no reason other than I'm getting old. It's true. My boyfriend was complaining about noise and teenaged girls irritated me just by simply existing. Sigh. When did we become so old?

Me & James

Surgar & Coolaid

2011-03-29T08:43:00.000-05:00

This has been going around on Facebook. It's a white trash shopping list found discarded on the floor of a Wal-Mart. Probably in Tennessee...

Physical Abuse

2011-03-22T18:49:00.000-05:00

I reported to my new unit yesterday. I was told that, although I am associated with the 86th Combat Support Hospital, I have nothing to do with the 86th Combat Support Hospital. Also, I found out that I am actually attached to a unit out of Fort Hood, Texas (not Fort Campbell) and we are chemical and natural disaster responders. My unit is a unit full of nothing but medics, yet, we do not have an aid station. We do not have Docs to work under. We do not do anything medical until we deploy. We'd deploy with zero real life experience. I know that's hard to grasp, but it's the Army we're talking about here; it doesn't have to make sense, you just execute.

I was placed in the Evacuation Platoon once again. I must have pissed someone off once upon a time.

The first thing my platoon sergeant said to me once we met was, "How's your PT score?" That fills fear in my heart. If that is his #1 concern about his new NCO coming to his platoon, he is very physically oriented. I am not what you would call an athlete, by any stretch of the imagination. I get by. I don't have the genes to excel with raw physical power. This dude is going to physically abuse my body every morning and call it training.

And I am scared.

Attack Of The Wives

2011-03-17T15:55:00.000-05:00

Today I had to attend a new comers brief along with all the other new Soldiers to Fort Campbell. This was a breif to acclimate you and your spouse to the post and the surrounding areas. So, it was highly encouraged that the married Soldiers bring their spouses along with them to work today.

I absolutely adore it when spouses make apprearances at work.

Not because I like to interact with the wives. Hell no. I like it that the majority of these ladies get dressed up to come to work with their Soldier. And when I say "dressed up", I mean, they show up looking like hookers.

This brief started at 0900 and there were women walking around with more inches of clevage than I have fingers, stilleto heels and tiny skin tight dresses. This isn't the club, ladies. It's a mandatory new comers brief on a military instillation. Daycare was available on site, for God sakes. Don't advertise your goods. Cover that crap up!

But if you insist on dressing so sexy while the sun is high in the sky, then I suggest you do it outrageously so I can keep taking pictures of you behind your back. Haha.

Huh?

2011-03-14T13:12:00.000-05:00

I see this van all over Clarksville. I even saw it in my neighborhood cruising around.

It really isn't a special van, but whenever I see it out of the corner of my eye I read it wrong every time, without fail. I always read it, "HITLER" and the smiley faces just seem so inappropriate.

My First Visitor

2011-03-13T17:04:00.000-05:00

My bestie, Rosie, came to visit my house in Clarksville all the way from some frozen waste land in Minnesota this past weekend. She was my first visitor. Which means the guest room has lovingly been renamed "Rosie's Room".

I loved having Rosie here. It's so fun to have a friend over that you seldom get to see. We've been friends since the 5th grade. That's very cool we've held on to our friendship so well so long. Not seeing each other much may have helped... haha.

Rosie being here was a big excuse to go shopping. I don't really have very many girlfriends that I can go shopping with-- especially now that I live in a city in which I only know James. I don't imagine James is much of a shopper. I can see him now: rolling his eyes, pacing and cracking his neck. I need someone with patience, and an honest opinion and I know Rosie can provide both.

We bought lots of fun things for my house, to include new carpet for the living room and a medicine cabinet for the master bedroom. Party animals! We're getting old... sitting on my new lawn chairs on the back deck drinking beer with the dog took the place of getting smashed at a bar. And I'm just fine with that.

I Have A House

2011-03-08T13:16:00.000-06:00

There ya have it, folks. I am a homeowner. I never thought I'd own a home in Tennessee, of all places, but I'm SO happy I bought it! It's a ranch style 3 bedroom, 2 full bathroom. It has a huge back yard (full of weeds) that I can't wait to fence in and host BBQs in. It'll be a great place to let Picasso run and play.

The kitchen.

The master bedroom.

The spare bedroom.

Love my house! I can't wait to fix it up just the way I want it. Something tells me Lowe's and Home Depot are going to become 2 of my new favorite places to spend money!

Blogging From The iPhone

2011-03-07T19:57:00.000-06:00

I'm blogging from my iPhone right now while I wait in line at Bank Of America to open an account. Once again, I find myself in an area of the country where WellsFargo is non existent so I have to change banks.

That's not the point of this post.

I made it to Clarksville, Tennessee in one piece! It was a very long trip, but James, Picasso and myself made it here safe and sound. We're almost all moved into the house. The house is GREAT, by the way. I really enjoy being a hone owner. I like knowing that everything in there is mine. I like painting it the way I want. I like stomping on the floor and not pissing off neighbors. I'm very happy. :)

I have no idea how to load pictures from my phone. We're finally getting the Internet put in the house tomorrow, so I'll put pics up tomorrow.

My opinion is, blogging from the iPhone is no bueno.

***

Also, today is my brother's 26th birthday. Happy birthday, Danny! I miss you!

Are We There Yet?

2011-02-28T14:04:00.000-06:00

Mom, I don't want to drive anymore!

We're enroute to Clarksville, Tennessee. Picasso is getting restless in his kennel.

Cats Playing Patty-Cake

2011-02-22T20:42:00.000-06:00

This brings me so much joy. :)

Top Secret Clearance

2011-02-22T19:57:00.000-06:00

The process to apply for a Top Secret Clearance is a lengthy one. And the probability of obtaining it after you apply is a crap shoot. Your best bet is to be completely honest when filling out the questionnaire, even when they ask questions about things you'd rather were locked in a dark basement in a box with cob webs on it. I have a military past that can be easily described as "sketchy".

I submitted the application and crossed my fingers.

Today, I checked my email and read that I had been granted an interim top secret clearance. That's all I need (security wise) to get accepted into the Army CID program. I just might be on my way to reclassing sooner than I thought! Yippee!

The Decemberists!!

2011-02-20T19:39:00.000-06:00

I finally got my Christmas present last night! James bought me tickets to see The Decemberists in Portland for Christmas and the show was last night. I'd been looking forward to this show since September and The Decemberists did NOT disappoint. It was the first time I'd ever seen them live, and I have made plans to do it again whenever possible. They were amazing! Thank you so much, baby!! :)

Going Away Party

2011-02-19T19:21:00.000-06:00

James and I threw a going away party for ourselves on Friday night. We held our shindig at a redneck bar, naturally. There was a good turn out of our friends and we had a bunch of fun. Too many shots of Jack Daniels (yuck!) and lots of beer.

The party moved across the street to a buddy's apartment after we were politely asked to leave by the establishment's security personnel... Things got hazy almost immediately for me once I was in the apartment. I ate a piece of pineapple that had been marinating in Everclear and fruit punch all day and then I blacked out.

In the morning, I woke up in someone else's pajama pants in my buddy's spare bedroom. James told me I had passed out while peeing in the bathroom. He was the ever dutiful boyfriend and came in to take care of me. I stood up, zipped my own pants and immediately fell backwards into the shower and ripped the shower curtain down around me. Oh, but did I mention I had vomited into the shower? Yeah... so I sat in my own puke. Niiiice.

One last classy night in Washington. Get ready Tennessee, here I come!

Thug Life

2011-02-18T18:55:00.000-06:00

In case you were wondering, James and I lead an extremely thug life. So thug, in fact, that we proclaimed it permanently on our feet.

People keep asking, "Why? Why would you do that?" And my answer is, "Why not!?" Being the blond, Suburban raised, extremely white girl that I am, it's hard for my true thugness to shine through. Now there's no question about how thug I am.

And... it's completely ridiculous and hilarious.

It was very very painful. And I'm glad I only have 2 feet so I don't have to get them tattoooed again. I'm all filled up on the feet now. Check that off my list of body parts to get tattooed.

Sweet And Sour Chicken?

2011-02-13T17:36:00.000-06:00

So I was sitting in James' truck waiting for him to come out of the liquor store with the night's events in a brown paper bag, when I saw this in a teriyaki restaurant window:

Silly Asians spelling things like they say them.

Valentine's Day Participation

2011-02-12T17:14:00.000-06:00

Valentine's Day lands on a Monday this year. The Army sucks the life out of you during the week and leaves you listless and exhausted by the end of the duty day. It makes even a quick trip to the corner store after work seem like the biggest hassle. All I ever want to do is put on my gross orange sweat pants and lay on the couch after work.

Romantic holiday or no, I fully intend to don the sweats on Monday after work. James is a smart man and he planned ahead. We celebrated Valentine's Day today on the 12th.

Normally I don't celebrate Valentine's Day because normally I do not have a Valentine. Things are looking up in 2011. :)

We had dinner at my favorite teriyaki place, Happy Teriyaki. We exchanged gifts; he got me a needlepoint picture of Jesus that he picked up at an antique store and some beautiful flowers. I gave him Hershey Kisses and a DVD of The Exorcist. Perhaps my gift alluded to the fact that I don't normally get to participate in this Holiday.

I even got a Valentine in the mail yesterday. My thoughtful puppy had my mom send me a Valentine for him since he has no thumbs to write a lovely note inside and no money to actually purchase it. Picasso has a really wonderful Grandma and I have a really wonderful puppy. And come to think of it, I have a really wonderful boyfriend, too!

Busy Busy Busy

2011-02-11T19:50:00.001-06:00

I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Except I'm not in any pain. I imagine that would hurt quite a lot.

What I am is BUSY. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me right now and there just isn't enough Jackie to please the crowds.

Between buying a house long distance, a puppy who refuses to potty train, a platoon that desperately needs me, a top secret clearance packet that never seems to end, a CID packet that takes me all over the place, a messy boyfriend and clearing Fort Lewis, I'm totally tapped out!

Of course, there are still medic things to be done during the duty day as well. And by "medic things" I mean playing in the motorpool with field ambulances that are older than me. If I thought could sneak out of this unit without doing one more BII layout, I was crazy. Stupid ambulances and their stupid emergency road side kits.

I sign out of Fort Lewis on the 25th of February. Hopefully I will be able to catch a relaxing break on the 40 hour trek to Fort Campbell... with my unpotty trained puppy and messy boyfriend in tow.

Four Loko

2011-01-22T15:06:00.000-06:00

You may or may not have heard the heart breaking news that Four Loko was taken off the market in Washington in late 2010. Controversies aside about this alcoholic beverage, my personal opinion of this drink is that it kicked ass. It got you so over the top wasted in just one can. So by drinking two, you could party really hard for under $8. For people with limited means, like myself-- thank you Army for my giant paycheck, it was a bargain you couldn't pass up.

Four Loko was a caffeinated alcoholic energy drink. Mixing a depressant (alcohol) with a stimulant (energy drink) makes your body freak out. It doesn't know if it's tired or hyper. So what happens is your body doesn't tell your brain you are super drunk because you have so much energy to burn. The controversy is people get so drunk so fast drinking this stuff that they can easily get alcohol poisoning and, in a worst case scenario, die.

I have a little more control than the average bear when it comes to drinking myself to death. It's not on my bucket list. So 2 cans of Four Loko worked just fine for me. Plus it tastes absolutely disgusting so 2 cans was really all I wanted anyhow.

The whole blog has been in past tense so far. But one trip to the 7 Eleven last night made Four Loko a present tense subject again. Hooray! Four Loko made an encore appearance! I don't know how and I don't know why. I don't ask questions like that. Instead 6 cans were purchased and the goal of getting totally trashed at home with my boyfriend was accomplished.

Thank you Four Loko for coming back into my life. You made Friday night awesome. :)

Vehicle Nomad

2011-01-18T21:57:00.000-06:00

My day starts at 0430. It's a disgusting time to wake up. So by 1130, I'm ready for a lunch time nap. The only available place for theses naps are in my vehicle.

I basically live out of my Ford Escape like a nomad. I eat in my truck. I sleep in my truck. I've been known to change clothes in my truck (don't you judge me). My truck is a storage place for military gear, paperwork and dog supplies. I apply makeup in my truck. I pluck my eyebrows in my truck.

I used to have self respect and pride which kept me from doing said things. But now that I am trapped on Fort Lewis for 14+ hours a day, I am forced to live like an animal.

This afternoon I passed out with the heat blasting and Modest Mouse on the stereo for a good hour and a half. It was an amazing nap... except I woke up with the tell tale signs of amazingness all over my face.

BUSTED.

The CSH? I Think Not!

2011-01-17T21:20:00.001-06:00

Admittedly, January hasn't been an active month of blogging. It's been an active month of stupid bullshit gifted to me from the Army which has consumed most of my free time. Nothing out of the ordinary as bullshit goes, just seemingly more of it.

In the midst of the Army piling on my NCO duties, I am dealing with my PCS to Fort Campbell, KY. I have my orders! My actual in writing paper orders. I was really excited until I saw the pin point I was assigned to: the CSH. That stands for Combat Support Hospital. I am horrified by this turn of events. It's going to be nothing but girls and officers. And girl officers. To make things worse, the CSH I am assigned to is also deployed. I am unable to deploy until September when my dwell time is completed, so I will be on rear detachment. For anyone who is unsure what rear detachment comprises of, it's everyone who was unable to deploy for whatever reason. Pregnancy, Soldiers pending legal action, known drug offenders... the list of undesirables goes on. Oh boy.

So immediately my brain is scrambling for a way to get out of this situation. Nothing was coming to mind. I was about to lie down and just take it when, like a beacon of heavenly light, a man stepped into my life and handed me his business card. He was a CID agent, and he was offering me a job. I had impressed him in the interview I had given him earlier. He was extending me an opportunity I couldn't refuse. A few days later, I met with the head NCO over at the CID office on Fort Lewis and he interviewed me. He said he will do whatever is necessary to help me put together my CID packet and reclass out of being a Medic and towards being a Federal Agent. And he'd do it all while still guaranteeing I will go to Fort Campbell in the end.

It all is happening so fast! I'm really excited about this opportunity. There is still a lot that needs to be done and a few hurdles that need to be conquered. Hopefully everything checks out and I am able to reclass from 68W to 31D.

What Did I Do This Year?

2010-12-30T18:58:00.000-06:00

Oh my god, it's the end of December already. 2010 is almost finished. This year flew by so fast! And I wonder, what did I even do this year??

I can itemize that thought:

Promoted to Sergeant
Got Divorced
Bought a Puppy as Expensive as a Used Car
Fought a War
Fell in Love with a Really GREAT Dude
Crashed my Truck

That's what I've come up with to sum up 2010. It doesn't really seem like too much, but when you read the "fought a war" bullet, it puts things into perspective. I spent 9 of the 12 months in 2010 deployed in the middle east. That tends to eat up a lot of your free time to accomplish goals and do neat things.

Bring it on 2011! I'm ready!

Christmas Wrap-Up

2010-12-26T20:53:00.000-06:00

In case you were wondering, I had a very merry Washington Christmas.

My mom and dad came from Iowa to spend the holiday with me. It was a 4 day Seattle-Tacoma tourist event. We went to Pike Place Market and Pioneer Square for some shopping and sight seeing. We went on the Seattle Underground Tour, which was both educational and cool. I never would have guessed that the beginnings of this great city were based on shit and sewage. Heh, you learn something new everyday. We saw the Space Needle and ate some super delicious Chinese food. We had a desert called a Ram Potato which was vanilla ice cream rolled in cocoa and served with whipped cream on it (totally delicious). We also went to the Tacoma Museum of Glass, which was really neat.

Of course, it was raining the entire time we were on our tourist adventures; just to really drive it home to my parents that this area of the country is yucky. I can't wait to move to Fort Campbell, and I'm sure they're anxious to visit me in a place that is dryer.

Christmas dinner turned out fabulous. And, of course it did because Ashley and I tag teamed the kitchen and cooked some amazing awesomeness. When put together, the two of us can make a serious feast. I felt like a bloated calf after dinner, and I think that is the best description for culinary success.

I made some Christmas gift cash and spent it promptly today at Pier One. (Thanks Grandma, that's what I spent your money on!) My living room is just that much more cute now because of the new wall hanging I bought. I got tickets to see The Decemberists in Portland in February! I'm super excited to see my favorite band. I cleaned up pretty good. It was a good holiday. I think I'll host Christmas again next year. :)

Car Rides

2010-12-18T13:44:00.000-06:00

I spy with my little eye... the cutest face in the world!

Picasso likes to go on car rides. He prefers to ride on my lap. It wouldn't be much of an issue since he only weighs 12 pounds, but he doesn't sit still well. He feels the need to turn around a lot in my lap and lick my face and chew on either the seat belt or my patches and name tapes on my uniform. I'm probably teaching him a horrible habit, because when he's full grown, I'm not going to want a 25 pound dog riding in my lap. I'm such a push over and his little distressed face and whimpers from the passenger seat break my heart. He's a Momma's Boy and he gets what he wants!

Bows Taste Yummy

2010-12-13T21:04:00.000-06:00

Picasso is in the Christmas spirit. Are you?

Bacon Flip

2010-12-12T11:15:00.000-06:00

Have you ever wondered what bacon flavored vodka tastes like? Or are you shaking your head in disbelief that bacon flavored vodka exists? Well it does. And I've tasted it.

I didn't actually taste it by itself, however. I may be from Iowa, but I do not like bacon. I like vodka, but my dislike of bacon trumped that. Luckily, the reason the bacon vodka was purchased was to be an ingredient in something much more spectacular: The Bacon Flip.

The Bacon Flip ingredients are as follows:

1 raw egg
Bacon Vodka
Bailey's Irish Cream
Maple Syrup

It's breakfast in a shot. Our shots got a little excessive because the ingredients were not measured out at all. So it turned into a plastic cup of breakfast madness.

We'd been hyping ourselves up about the Bacon Flip all week at work. And when I was stirring the egg up in my cup, I was very apprehensive. I also don't like eggs. I know, I don't think I'm really a native Iowan. But truth be told, the Bacon Flip was not nearly as awful as it could have been. The maple syrup masked everything. The worst part of the whole experience was feeling the egg go down because it was stringy and felt like a snot rocket.

The Bacon Flip was conquered. Let it be known.

Sailor Jerry

2010-12-05T18:59:00.000-06:00

The really cool part of being stationed at Fort Lewis, Washington, is that Seattle is in my backyard. It's great to have a big city with tons of stuff to do so close. Plus, since Seattle is a hippie liberal city, the stuff they offer to do is usually really cool!

On Friday night, James and I went into the city to go see a documentary on Sailor Jerry, the legendary tattoo artist. Sailor Jerry has also become a brand of spiced rum that carries his likeness in a 92 proof bottle of awesomeness. I like tattoos. I like spiced rum. The whole concept is genius to me.

The venue the Sailor Jerry documentary was held at was an old theater that probably only held 150 people, MAX. As soon as we walked in, we were handed 2 free drink vouchers and free popcorn. No admission cost. Awesome. Upon entering the theater, there is a bar set up on the stage to redeem said free drinks. Even more awesome. I'm watching the bartender pour my Sailor Jerry and Coke, and it's easily 80% booze. Can this night get any more awesome, really!? Oh yes it can! A few minutes later the girl who was at the door handing out free drink vouchers came by and gave us 4 more! AWESOME!

Besides the free booze, which got me quite toasty, the documentary was really good. It was interesting. I learned a lot. And it was entertaining. I would have paid money to see it. When I leave Fort Lewis to go to Fort Campbell, I'm really going to miss Seattle. Nashville is close to Campbell, though. Maybe I'll be able to cook up some fun there, too.

Another 4 Years

2010-12-03T18:29:00.000-06:00

Uncle Sam got me for another 4 years.

It's rough to sign a piece of paper that guarantees you will not make any of your own decisions for X amount of time. But, I'm happy with my decision. I love the Army. I had a 3 year break in service from 2005-2008 and I just wasn't as happy as a civilian. I need this craziness. That probably makes me a little warped, but crazy people generally do well in the military!

This reenlistment will take me to Fort Campbell, Kentucky. I do not have orders yet, so I don't know when my report date will be. I'm just glad I got the first post I asked for in the reenlistment process. I didn't have Big Army jerking me around. Fort Campbell is the home of Air Assault. That's repelling out of helicopters, in case you didn't know. So I'm really hoping I can go to that school and be a part of that tradition and madness.

Perhaps the longer you stay in the Army, the crazier you get...? I'll stay in 20+ years and do the research so you don't have to.

Reenlistment On Hold

2010-12-02T15:15:00.000-06:00

I had plans to reenlist for another 4 years in this glorious Army today. However, there was an EFMB emergency and my reenlistment took a back seat to it. I don't know how an emergency for an event that isn't even happening until March disrupted everything, but it sure did.

Before I knew the ceremony wasn't going to happen, I signed my discharge paperwork. I didn't know that you have to be discharged first in order to reenlist. I thought it was pretty cool to see my name under the words Honorable Discharge, since I've never seen that before. Haha.

Since there was no ceremony, I suppose that means I am temporarily not a member of the Armed Services. Which technically means I could go smoke a fat blunt, pierce my face, dye my hair pink and cuss out a few choice individuals.... Of course I won't do that, but I sure as Hell am not going to be at work. I'm taking the day off until I get my damn ceremony tomorrow!

24 Hours

2010-11-24T13:34:00.000-06:00

I had a 24 hour shift the day before Thanksgiving. From 0900 to 0900 I sat in a little room with one other Soldier and was in charge of quarters (CQ). The job description is to answer the phone during the day, and to make sure no shenanigans go on in the single Soldier dorms during the night. Nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. But, someone has to be there in the off chance someone decides to get crazy.

So I sat. And did nothing for 24 hours. There is no TV. We're forbidden to use our laptops or to play games on anything electronic. They'd take away our phones if they could just to keep us from doing anything entertaining. Sleep is not allowed. If you are caught sleeping there are serious consequences. It's suggested to read Army manuals... but sleep is not allowed, so I stay away from reading said manuals.

Sitting in a building for 24 hours with shady signs like the one pictured above accomplishes one thing only. It's pretty much in the bag that I'm going to get cancer. Respirators and protective clothing are not provided for me to work in. That is bullshit. And I won't even be able to sue the Army for slowing killing me by forcing me to work in condemned buildings. You win again, Army....

Road Conditions Are RED

2010-11-23T12:43:00.000-06:00

Fort Lewis basically shut down for the day. It snowed yesterday and last night so that means everyone in a 100 mile radius of the Puget Sound lost their damn minds and cannot properly operate heavy machinery, i.e. privately owned vehicles.

It's fine with me. I know how to drive in ice and snow. I'm an Iowa girl. It was bred into my bones to know how to deal with crappy weather. Also, I'm not a total retard and I can make educated decisions about how to safely navigate the roads. I can't say that's true for most of the rest of the population.

On my way to work this morning, because I was not notified the post was shut down until I was already at work, I saw at least 4 accidents. People were flying down I-5 like it was a beautiful summer day and then about 3 miles later I'd catch back up with them because they were nose first in a ditch. Silly Californians and Texans. Learn to drive where you live now, not where you used to live!

I was at work for a grand total of 45 minutes. Just long enough to tell all my Soldiers that they risked their lives to come to work for nothing and to, once again, risk their lives and go back home. It was rewarding. Go Army!

Cold Weather PTs

2010-11-19T18:26:00.000-06:00

It's supposed to snow this weekend.

Yuck.

I understand that there are places in this country where it has already snowed this winter, but for the area of Washington that I live in, this is too soon. Waaaaay too soon, if you ask me.

I'm not a fan of being cold. At all. In fact, I'm a huge baby about being cold. I'd rather be hot any day than freeze. It seems like everything the Army issues for cold weather was not actually tested in cold weather. Or maybe a big fat guy with lots of fat cells to insulate him was chosen to test the gear. But most likely it was a big fat guy testing it in Florida who also zero fashion sense. Clearly (as pictured below) the Army needs a visit from Clinton and Stacey from What Not To Wear.

Not only is it a hideous PT uniform, it's also not warm. And wearing shorts under those pants is a huge pain in the ass because the shorts ride up so it's like wearing a diaper made out of a wind breaker. The pants also run about 6 sizes too small so if you're not careful, they can turn into PT leggings-- which are never long enough no matter what size you get. The long sleeve t-shirt worn under the jacket is actually a turtle neck. Who wants to run in a turtle neck? Who wants to leave the house PERIOD in a turtle neck?

Winter PTs need some serious help.

Cuteness Overload

2010-11-14T23:59:00.000-06:00

I'm still certain Picasso is the cutest puppy in the world, quite possibly ever. I'm a proud puppy mommy and want to shove these pictures in every one's face! (But he's so cute, who could mind??)

Yes, Picasso wears clothes and he likes it. He's gotten fat and happy and naughty since I brought him home. His puppy teeth are as sharp as razors and he poops one hundred times a day. Thank goodness he's so cute.

Rain, Rain Go-Away

2010-11-08T21:21:00.001-06:00

Oh Washington, I can't wait to see you in my rear view mirror and never have to look back.

I'm not on orders to leave Fort Lewis, Washington just yet. But I've put in my request to be relocated. I am no longer willing to play with Washington any more. Sure, it's a beautiful green state full of evergreen trees, but you know what? Everything is green for a reason: rain.

Rain, rain, rain. I'm sick of being soaked. I don't want to run in it, lay out inventories in it, drive in it, go to the range in it... and the list just goes on and on. I want to have several pairs of running shoes because I like to buy shoes, not because every set needs two days to dry out before you can run in them again.

A new bothersome thing about this particular area of Washington is the traffic. Fort Lewis is located right off Interstate 5. I-5 is the only north/south corridor running through Olympia, Tacoma and Seattle. Fort Lewis is smack in the middle of those busy cities. Every day I contend with Army traffic, civilian traffic, and commercial traffic all at once... and in the rain.

Today the traffic was so awful, my 10 mile trip home took an hour and 10 minutes. And it was raining. And it was super dark thanks to the day light savings time change last weekend. I go to work in the morning and it's dark. I come home from work at night and it's dark. It's also raining both ways.

Picasso Screams Like A Girl

2010-11-05T01:57:00.000-05:00

People say puppies whine when they are alone in their crates for the first few nights.

Picasso screams like a wet cat and a banshee are giving birth in his crate when I put him in it. It's very disturbing. What is even more disturbing about his screaming is his endurance. That puppy can scream for hours before he tires himself out. My downstairs neighbor doesn't care for it too much. Said neighbor banged on my door around midnight a few days ago and gruffly explained that he "works for a living" and I need to "shut that animal up" or he will "complain to the office" and have him "removed".

So, I don't put Picasso in his crate at night anymore. Mean downstairs neighbor doesn't need to pay me any more intimidating midnight visits.

I don't care if it sounds like I'm torturing a pig in my house in the middle of the night; I am a Soldier proudly fighting for that freedom in the United States Army! Sheesh!

It's A Boy!

2010-10-31T19:12:00.000-05:00

Meet Picasso The Destroyer of Worlds (yes, this is his official American Kennel Club name)!

I got this precious little French Bulldog two days ago and he's already stolen my heart and all of my time. I never knew I had a mothering instinct in me until this puppy came along. I love taking care of him and making him happy. I don't like to disturb him when he's sleeping in my lap and it really hurts my heart to hear him cry in his crate when I go to sleep at night. I want nothing more than to have him sleep with me in my bed, but something about an unpotty trained dog and a white comforter makes me reluctant.

I was aware that French Bulldogs have a unique bark, but you really can't get a good idea of what it's like until you hear it in the flesh. It's a cross between a dying cat and a screaming old woman. Really. It's disturbing to wake up to at 3am.

Wax Lips

2010-10-27T20:10:00.001-05:00

Are you ever truly too old for wax lips?

I think not!

Hooting Owls

2010-10-25T20:52:00.000-05:00

I stepped out on to my mom and dad's back porch around sun down this evening and I heard owls hooting. Yes, my parents live in Iowa, which most people think is all farm land, but they do not live on a farm and I've never heard hooting owls before. So went back inside to spread my joy and I ran into my dad first. I said, "Dad, did you know there are owls out back?" And he looked at me like I was freaking stupid. But my mom overheard my joy of owls from the back bedroom and was excited about the prospect of hooting owls, too. She came out to hear them. Mom spotted them. There were two of them.

It was spooky and very Halloweeny (hee hee, that sounds funny) for the owls to be hooting so close to the house this evening.

Dog Tags

2010-10-20T16:39:00.000-05:00

I have an issue with Identification Tags, or Dog Tags. They are issued to Service people as a form of identification. Our name, social security number, blood type and religious affiliation appear on these tags. We are to wear them at all times while in our uniforms. Dog Tags were originally used to help identify bodies on the battle field or to help medical personnel identify an unconscious patient.

So what the Hell is wrong with Soldiers who want to wear them in their civilian clothes? Let me clarify, on the outside of their clothes. It's not a piece of jewelry. It's not pretty. If you want people to know you're in the Army that badly then just tell them. Your hair cut generally hints to your profession anyway. You don't need your social security number dangling around your neck to show off your military pride!

I also have a problem with wives and girlfriends that wear their Soldier's Dog Tags. I get it that you're proud. But do you get it that your man's social is dangling between your boobies or off your key chain and if you lose them you are putting his identity at risk? They were not issued to you, honey, to be cute. So leave them to the Service member to "rock" those dog tags.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Viva Las Vegas

2010-10-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

I got my groove back, so to speak, in Las Vegas. My tolerance for alcohol and I were reunited. It was a joyous occasion. Tolerance certainly does include black outs. Tolerance to alcohol as defined by Jackie means the room is not spinning and I am not vomiting everywhere. Blacking out is perfectly acceptable, and actually preferred. When I black out I am still in motion, it's just like someone turned off the recorder. It's a very drunk, loud, out of control motion, but definitely motion.

Rosie and I managed to get cut off from a bar in Las Vegas and kicked out of the MGM Grand because I was black out drunk. I didn't even know you could get kicked out of a bar in Las Vegas. I don't think I was even too out of control... while I was still sitting at the bar. The second I stood up, it was all over. I fell into a slot machine and thought it was quite possibly the funniest thing ever.

I sat down on Las Vegas Blvd because I was laughing so hard I could not physically hold myself up any more. By the way, Las Vegas Blvd is quite possibly the dirtiest street in America. I'm sure I picked up an STD through my jeans.

Rosie made a decision to get food in me to try to sop up some of the booze. She took me to a food court with a Del Taco, bless her heart. I devoured a burrito like I hadn't eaten in a month. I also made a loud, laughing scene. So loud that Rosie took pictures of me:

She wasn't the only one who took pictures. A man behind me took pictures of the spectacle I was making. Rosie told me, "The Mexican Elvis behind you is photographing you." Well, I hated that idea and went on a drunk yelling rampage about how rude that was. I turned around and yelled at Mexican Elvis. It was a string of obscenities, but I got my point across. Rosie removed me from the food court as quickly as possible.

I'm glad Rosie was sober enough to handle me. She's a good friend to deal with me! I knew I'd be able to get my groove back sooner or later. It just took a weekend in Las Vegas to find it.

Cirque Du Soleil

2010-10-12T10:15:00.000-05:00

I celebrated my 27th birthday in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada this weekend with one of my VERY best friends, Rosie. It was a great trip! The highlight was when we saw the Cirque Du Soleil Beatles show, "Love". It was very fitting for Rosie and I to see that show together, since we are both long time Beatles freaks... I mean fans. Also, we saw "Love" on October 9th, which happened to be John Lennon's 70th birthday. I am a freak for knowing that trivia fact.

The show was an audio/visual orgasm. I'd never seen a Vegas show before. It sounds so old person to me. But it turned out to be amazing and now I'm a fan of the Vegas productions. I'll go to more. Because there are more trips to Las Vegas planned. There always should be.

Uncasing Ceremony

2010-10-07T22:15:00.000-05:00

Today was the Uncasing of the Colors Ceremony. Before we left for Iraq over a year ago, we had a ceremony to case the colors. Basically we put our brigade and battalion flags in an ACU printed sock and left them in it while we went to war. Now that we're back, we can remove it from the sock and add a little streamer on the flag that says we were awesome on our deployment. It's a long ceremony. People give speeches. The I Corps band plays their instruments. Soldiers stand at attention. There is singing involved.

I lucked out and got to pull medical coverage. Which basically meant I stood behind the spectator bleachers with a litter and an aid bag and talked shit with 2 other medics. There was a lot to talk shit on. I love getting to see Soldier's wives. Because all Soldiers generally look the same, but wives come in all shapes and sizes and classiness.

There were an insane amount of babies present. If you do the math, that means most Soldiers had a really good mid-tour leave with their wives or there was some scandalous stuff going on while Daddy was at war. There even seemed to be designated, yet unmarked, stroller parking behind the bleachers.

The best part of this particular ceremony is that it kicked off our block leave period. 30 days where every Soldier who deployed has a chance to take leave and finally relax and go on vacation. I have quite the vacation planned for myself. First off: Las Vegas with my bestie. Then I'll be whisked away to wonderful Richmond, Virginia to visit another bestie. Lastly, but certainly not least, I'll go to fabulous Davenport, Iowa to visit my fabulous parents! It'll be nice to put my uniform away and feel like a real human being for a month.

Mourning A Dear Friend

2010-10-03T20:36:00.000-05:00

I am in a state of deep mourning. I lost something very dear to me. Something I fear I will never find again, even with a lifetime of training. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel deep regret.

I lost my alcohol tolerance.

That's right folks. I was in the best drinking shape of my life before taking that vacation to Iraq for 12 months. I was a champion, a master of my craft. I could have gone places and been someone, you know? But it's gone now. I'm starting at square one.

It's scary to start over. I feel like I might accidentally be that girl who gets too drunk too fast and makes an ass out of herself. An amateur. I prefer to make an ass out of myself after having an outrageous amount of booze so people are more understanding of my situation. "Oh, she's flashing the bartender because she's had 17 shots of Jack Daniels," is way more hard core than, "Holy crap, she's only had 2 beers and she's puking in the street."

Last night I got pretty tossed off of 3 Long Island Iced Teas. I didn't puke in the street or show my boobs to strangers. I wasn't that wrecked. But I wasn't at a level I was comfortable with, either. I've got to find my alcohol tolerance and self respect! ASAP.

NCO Run

2010-09-29T21:27:00.000-05:00

I don't know why, but the Army thinks it's necessary to celebrate things by running. Thanksgiving? Let's run! Martin Luther King Jr Day? Let's run! 4 day weekend with no holiday significance? Let's run! It's Friday? Let's run!

So this morning we ran to celebrate the 43 brand new Non Commissioned Officers that were promoted down range in Iraq. Every NCO in the battalion got together (that was a whole lot of people, too) with our Command Sergeant Major and she took us on a run from Hell in honor of all of us newbies.

I understand the tradition. CSM Walter tried to pump us up and motivate us with a speech about how we are the backbone of the Army and nothing would get done without us. But personally, I do not like being physically exhausted by 0730 in the morning. I do not wish to celebrate an important career milestone that way. Sweating and wishing for sweet death does not equal a party for me. I felt no joy the entire run, until we stopped and I could finally catch my breath and put the flames out in my calves.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love being a Non Commissioned Officer. But jeesh, can we for once just celebrate with beers?

Pike Place Market

2010-09-26T18:13:00.000-05:00

I went to Pike Place Market in Seattle for the first time yesterday. Never mind that I've been stationed at Fort Lewis for over 2 years and I have yet to explore Seattle. There was a lot of liquor to drink closer to home so that's what I concentrated on when I first came up to Washington. Now that I feel like I've conquered the liquor battle, I can move on to more touristy and day-light activities.

The Market was packed, but that's because it was a beautiful, warm, sunny Saturday. And let's face it, in Seattle, that happens approximately twice a year. I bought a few nick-knacks at some of the shops, got possibly the most beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers and had amazing Chinese food.

I witnessed and Asian tourist posing for a picture with a street bum. The guy's poor son was taking a picture of his dad giving a bum a quarter. I bet that poor street guy was absolutely mortified. Silly Asian tourists.

I finally saw the famous "gum wall". It was pretty gross. But impressive. I half expected it to smell minty fresh down that alley, but it mostly just smelled like a gross damp alley.

Exploring the area I live is fun! Now I'm going to have to pick another place to visit next weekend... weather permitting of course.

I'm Legal!

2010-09-22T17:34:00.000-05:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm legal! Finally! Legally (and happily) divorced!

Cheers to the bachelorette life!

Now, I've got to see about getting my old last name back. Being a "W" and at the end of the alphabet backfires a lot on me in the military. Never, ever, is anything good done in reverse alphabetical order. Back to the "D" life at the beginning of the line that I missed so much!

JBLM

2010-09-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

While I was gone, things happened at Fort Lewis. Most noticeably, it's name changed! No longer are the days of Fort Lewis and McChord Air Force Base as separate entities. They mutated together to form Joint Base Lewis-McChord, or, JBLM for short. Of course there's an acronym; the Army is involved.

Nothing really has changed since we joined forces. I mean, the Army still demeans the Air Force like it's our job. The Air Force still uses our hospital, like they have all along. The Air Force still has better housing and chow halls. There isn't even a road that connects the two bases even though they are only one exit apart on the freeway.

So it's kinda like saying we'll play nice with one another, but only in theory.

Mountain Of Debris

2010-09-19T20:26:00.000-05:00

I moved into my new apartment over the weekend. It's a cute little one bedroom apartment in a shitty little town outside Fort Lewis. I'm really happy to have all of my loot again and to not have a roommate. I'm taking advantage of not having to put shoes on to use the bathroom, of choosing where and what I want to eat, and driving a vehicle that is not up armored.

I'm finally getting used to being back in the States. Even if it has rained almost every day since I've been back.

I have a mountain of debris left over from the move. The movers are supposed to pick up the looming pile of garbage, but their hours of availability don't really line up with my hours of availability. So I may have to dispose of it myself, which I really don't want to do. I live on the third floor, and something about not being able to see my feet while descending wet stairs seems like disaster waiting to happen.

As soon as I get my home all set up, I'll post pics.

Yay! It's so good to be back!

I Loathe Montana

2010-09-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

I left my Ford Escape in Iowa with my parents while I spent the year vacationing in Iraq. It was a good deal, my SUV was looked after by people I know, and the people I know had a 2008 SUV play with. The bummer side of this arrangement was that I had to go get my SUV. It's a 30 hour trip from Davenport, Iowa to Fort Lewis, Washington. Oh, and I made the trip 24 hours after landing back in the United States. Sheesh, I don't always make the safest decisions, but nothing bad happened on my half cross country trip.

Before I left my parent's house for the driving bonanza, I called my Grandma DeGraf to let her know I was home safe from Iraq. I told her I was going to drive back to Washington (stupidly). Her advise was to lock my doors and not talk to strangers. She also suggested I only get gas during daylight hours. I don't know why I even opened my mouth.

I made the trip in 3 days, and I think all of day 2 was spent in Montana. I loathe Montana. Not only is there nothing there, the nothing takes up a whole lot of space. I was slamming Rockstar Energy Drinks to keep focused on the road. The problem with energy drinks is that they run right through you. The problem with drinking them in Montana is that the rest stops are all approximately 100 miles apart.

So I leaped from my SUV at some random rest stop and flew into the non-modern bathroom, if you know what I mean, to take care of some business. Relief. I decided to stretch my legs and took a stroll through the grass.

Isn't that cute? A doggy rest stop right next to the person rest stop. I think the dog's potty may have been cleaner. So I snapped a picture like a weird tourist. And that's when I noticed the sky was about to open up any second and pour all over me. So I walked back through the grass to hop in my SUV, and I came face to face with this.

Holy crap, Montana. Seriously? There isn't a hospital in hundreds of miles! Thanks for posting the sign after I practically did cartwheels through your grass! Before, I hated Montana based solely on it's size. But now I can add 'dangerous wildlife' to my list.

America, Fuck Yeah!

2010-09-04T01:19:00.000-05:00

My Iraq deployment 2009-2010 is finally finished!

I left Kuwait in the wee hours of the morning on the first of September. It was a pretty rough trip for me because I kept getting motion sick. Motion sickness is something new that my body has started to do since I've gotten older. I shouldn't be falling apart at 26, but it is what it is.

Also, I think I had a brain aneurysm-- a couple of them in fact! Every time the plane landed, something that can only be described as intense snaps of horrific pain flashed through my brain over my left eye. It happened 4 times. I hope this isn't going to be a nifty new sign of old age.

It just isn't traveling in the Army if you aren't asleep on the floor of an airport at some point.

It feels great to be back in the United States. Even though I currently am homeless, vehicleless and basically jobless thanks to this Labor Day 4 day weekend. Food tastes good in this country. Americans are fat for a reason, and I'm going to gorge myself of deliciousness until I have to go back to reality and start a work routine again.

**On a side note, since I am no longer in Iraq, it seems a little wreckless to still call my blog Iraqi Jackie. I am, however, still Jackie, so I don't want to switch things up too much. Any suggestions for a new blog name are much appreciated!

Freddy Krueger

2010-08-27T16:02:00.000-05:00

I am like Freddy Krueger. No, I am not a burned up child molester who stalks and murders children in their nightmares. But I do have very long, very sharp fingernails that slice through flesh like it's their job.

The toilet trailers at Camp Virginia are separate from the showers. They have one toilet and one sink inside them. The have no air conditioning. To enter one in the middle of the day is to take your life into your own hands. No joke. If I spend longer than 60 seconds in there, I come out with sweat rolling out of my hair line and my life has flashed before my eyes. On top of the unbearable heat, they smell funky.

And I realize that "funky" is a very broad description for a bathroom smell. I've been trying to pin point the odor since I came to Camp Virginia and I think I've finally narrowed it down. It's a delicate blend of moth balls and urine.

So, back to the Freddy Krueger comment... I was brushing my teeth in that bathroom death trap one morning, it was already at least 110 degrees, and I was refusing to breathe through my nose. Have you ever tried brushing your teeth with your mouth wide open? I was drooling, I was sweating and my nose was running: there was snot everywhere. Long story short, I blew my nose. And with my Freddy Krueger fingernails, I sliced the sensitive skin between my nostrils and my upper lip like a knife through butter, or like a glove of knives through flesh.

It hurt. It was the worst teeth brushing experience I've ever had.

Kuwait Detail

2010-08-22T23:41:00.000-05:00

Camp Virginia, Kuwait, is yucky. It's just not right how hot it is. People shouldn't live here. 140 degrees just isn't right! I don't function in this kind of heat.

SPC Buckley and I have been working in the aid station at night. We have been pulling 12 hours of sick call every night. The term "work" is used pretty loosely, though. What really is happening is that we are physically in a building that could potentially cause us to work. We see maybe 3 patients and the rest of the time we are racked out on the waiting room couches watching movies and talking shit to each other. It's really not a bad gig.

There have been a few mildly interesting things to do. There was a rad infected toe nail removal that I snapped some pics of.

Before.

After. Eeew.

But (of course there is a down side, this is the Army, after all), since we are at work all night, we have to sleep all day. It's so hot outside that our poor 50 year old air conditioner can't keep up with the work load. It's possible our tent is going through menopause. It has hot flashes through out the day that make us feel like bacon frying in a pan in a matter of seconds. The air conditioner makes a grunting-complaining noise that warns us the heat wave is on it's way, and after 5 minutes or so of cooking us alive in the intense stale heat of the middle of the day, the air conditioner groans awake again and starts cooling us off.

It's absolutely miserable to sleep in a bitchy tent.