Sleepy Soldier Medic

I am a Combat Medic in the US Army. I feel like I was designed from birth to do this job. Not because I am a warm compassionate human being, or have a sick fetish for blood. No, not even because I might have a desire to mix guns and Band-aids. This is my calling because I can sleep anywhere, wearing anything at any given time. I had been training for this job my entire life. I didn't realize it until I was referred to as a "professional".

Medics are generally lazy by nature. And don't get upset, fellow soldier medics, because you know I'm speaking the truth. I sometimes wonder if there was a block of instruction taught to us during medic school at Fort Sam Houston about sleeping at the drop of a dime. It's entirely possible I missed the class because I was asleep.

I sleep in my combat gear-- to include my helmet. I sleep curled up in vehicles and ambulances. I sleep in the grass leaned against my aide bag while providing medical coverage at ranges. Give me a litter and I will unfold it and sleep on that bitch in the middle of a field.

The MPs call me lazy. They tell me I need to be awake more and to stop taking such awesome naps. In my defense, have you ever heard someone who was in pain whisper for help? No! If my services are needed, believe me, someone will be screaming my name. Or something will have just blown up and the explosion will have roused me awake. I will not sleep through the emergency. All this sleeping does not take away from the fact that I am a kick ass medic. I've got to point that out to clear up any doubts. Sleeping recharges the badass gene. Here are a few pics of me asleep at work:

Star Status

I had my moment (finally) when I realized that I am truly a celebrity. I've waited my whole life for this. It was like I was Britney Spears and it was totally rad. Except... I'm only famous in Iraq, so maybe my star status isn't as big as Britney's. I'm more like those Muslim rappers (oh yes, they exist and it's hilarious) that have no chance of being recognized outside their country.

So this is how it went down: we're pulling security at a Court House red ribbon cutting ceremony, and the place is crawling with Iraqi Army dudes, as well as US Soldiers. There are plastic chairs set out in the hall outside the conference room so a bunch of us from both Armys were sitting out there chilling. One of the Iraqi Army guys got up and handed me his cell phone. He was showing me a picture.

The picture was of me! Taken weeks ago!

Instead of being totally creeped out, I was totally flattered. It's not every day that someone you don't know carries around pictures of you! It was like that was the secret hand gesture for the photo shoot to begin. All the Iraqi Army guys had picture phones. They wanted pics with me, pics of me alone, pics of me not smiling (probably so it's easier to super impose my head on someone else's naked body, eew). The more I'm thinking about this, the creepier it's getting....

I got a few pictures with some of my stalkers, I mean, fan club on my own camera. This dude had the most epic moustache I had ever encountered. He also had a gross onesie on that did nothing for his figure. He chained smoked about 75 cigarettes while he made disgusting kissy faces at me from under that 'stache.

I was horrified. But, unlike Britney, I love all my fans and I put a smile on my face and soldiered on (pun intended).

I can Hear!

I'm in the middle of scheduling all my appointments for my airborne physical. I want to go to airborne school to learn how to jump out of airplanes when I get back to the States. There is a long series of things you have to do to make sure you are physically sound enough to do that. Yesterday I took my hearing test.

In case you've never taken a hearing test, I'll tell you about it. You are stuffed in a tiny "sound proof" room. You put on a head set and grab the cord with the clicker on the end and you sit as still and quiet as a church mouse (are church mice really more quiet than mice who choose different dwellings to infest?). The head set magnifies every sound in the booth. I don't think it's supposed to, but it sure does. And if you're in a booth with other people, every movement they make is painfully distracting and loud. Luckily, I was the only one in the booth this time.

The test begins. A recording of a very serious man explains the test: push the button when you hear the tones. You start hearing very faint tones in one ear at a time. I always start anticipating the tone and I frantically hit the button at the slightest suggestion that one went off. The sound of my breathing was incredibly distracting, so I sat there, slack-jawed mouth-breather style to hear better. Out of no where a recorded very serious woman told me there were no tones being sounded but I was pushing the button. She might as well have said, "Hey dumbass, quit being trigger happy!" I thought I failed the test... mostly because that lady told me I was a loser 3 times during the test. But I ended up doing really well! I can hear! That recorded lady was just a bitch!

Later, I was in the chow hall minding my own business. I was looking at a display of individual serving sized salad dressings. I chose fat free French dressing. As I was reaching for it, a complete and total stranger yelled in my ear, "QUEER!" I didn't know my assailant, nor did he make eye contact with me. Basically I was a victim of a random drive-by insult. I guess he thought my salad dressing decision was poor. The only thing I'm sure of, was that I heard him clearly.

Worst PT Test in the History of PT Tests

As stated above, I took the worst PT (physical training, for you non-Army folks) test in the history of PT tests today. I'm no PT stud, I'm gonna throw that out there right now. But holy crap, I've never done so poorly on a PT test ever since I've been in the Army. I only did 31 push ups, 55 sit ups and I ran my 2 miles in 17:50. Seriously!? Seriously. I'm really disappointed in myself. I know I can do better than that; I'm counting FOUL. My head wasn't into it. I'm retaking it next week. I know I'll score better. But, by the way, none of those scores are failing. They're just embarrassingly low. Which doesn't do a whole lot for the good ol' self esteem. But it's probably because I do stuff like this while I'm at work:

Working hard... or hardly working? Meh. You decide. I do look like I just did something strenuous to make me super tired, if that sways your decision at all. My kit probably weighs 30 pounds too... oh, I'm just a pussy. I totally sucked this morning. But there's always next week! So don't judge me. Don't hate! Don't lose faith in me! I'll redeem myself.

Soldiers are Artists, too

My bathroom is a trailer. It has 10 showers, 8 toilets and 8 sinks. The water is not for human consumption by any means. Seeing your co-workers naked is the norm. Pooping alone is out of the question. But the toilets flush, which is the best thing that has happened to me all year. Sad, but true. Because the alternative is... scary, evil, stinky port-o-potty.

Of course the port-o-potty, or so lovingly shortened to just "the shitter", still lurks everywhere. Buildings don't have indoor plumbing so there sits the shitter, generally in pairs, even when numerous more are strongly advised.

In dire emergencies, and when time is an issue, I will visit the shitter. I never let any of my skin actually come into contact with any of the plastic surfaces. I prefer the hover method or making a bird's nest of toilet paper to sit on. I try to make it a quick in-and-out type trip. No lingering. But some people do linger (probably boys). Linger long enough to create art on the shitter walls.

I would pass out from lack of oxygen if I was in the shitter long enough to create such masterpieces! Who has the time!? Who thinks of that!? Who always has a permanent marker in their pocket!? Deployed Soldiers, that's who.

What Is This You Are Speaking?

When I log onto the internet, there is approximately an 80% chance it will not load in English. I don't speak German, but man, I sure am learning! Maybe I'm not really learning a new language. Maybe I'm just memorizng where to click to long into Yahoo.com or cnn.com (yes, I do actually look at cnn.com; I didn't just throw that in there to look smart!). I'm putting my money on memorization. Because I don't lern so good.

Usually once I log into something that takes my password, everything is in English again. The adds that appear on the side bars are interesting, in German or English. Crazy Europeans. For instance, did you know, It's incredibly easy to live and work in the United States! Get your Green Card now! (Or sometimes seen as, Erhalten sie ihre aufenthaltsgenehmigung jetzts!) It looks fun! And easy... but maybe the word "die" is a little extreme!

This adorable German swine makes up for the German death threat. I'm not really sure what this pig has in common with getting a green card... maybe it's advertising a work visa. I hear Oscar Mayer is hiring.