Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!

 

Also, Happy Birthday James!

 

I got into the holiday spirit last weekend and carved pumpkins. I carved them on the kitchen floor and Picasso stole pieces of the rind and ate them on the living room carpet. It was a huge mess, and I'm actually quite surprised he didn't get sick.

 

Spooky! 

Unfortunately, we had a freak heat wave last week. Pumpkins don't handle 83 degree days very well. So tonight, the trick-or-treaters get these pumpkins to look at:

 

Perhaps spookier.

Not that I had many trick-or-treaters this year. And by not many, I mean one. I had one kid come to my door. I should have dumped all my candy in his bag. Now I have a surplus of Nestle Crunch Bars in my house.

Cricket

Bugs with exoskeletons gross me out to no end. So when I saw there was a cricket loose in the house I nearly lost it. I didn't pursue it, I just hoped it would get back outside somehow or die in a place I'd never find it.

I had no such luck. Of course it died in the kitchen beside the garbage can. In plain sight. Since their nasty little bodies gross me out so much, I just left it there for like 2 days (no one ever said I was housekeeper of the year). I just side stepped past its little corpse and wished it away.

This morning I was on my way to the refrigerator and I glanced at its resting place to ensure it was still in fact dead. And the cricket looked a little different:

 

The other leg was across the kitchen.

 

He was only legs...

Something in my house "helped me out" by getting rid of the cricket's corpse. But had the precision to remove the legs first. Picasso has no such skill and the cat stays outdoors permanently. I certainly didn't remove the legs-- so who did?

The legs are still on the kitchen floor. I'm hoping whatever ate (I'm assuming it was eaten) the body will come back for the legs tonight. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I don't know which is more gross, picking up the cricket or just his left behind legs. Or... that the legs remain on the kitchen floor.

Fit Wrap

I've been curious about these weight loss wraps that tanning salons and spas offer. So I finally got inspired enough to call and inquire about one called the Fit Wrap. I made an appointment.

 

So this evening I found myself sandwiched between two heating pads the same density as an X-ray smock. Let me rewind just a few minutes. I sprayed on some fat burner activator which may as well been I Can't Believe Its Not Butter Spray. The bottle says to spray it on problem areas. I had a thought to dip my whole body into it. The I donned a plastic onsie that zipped up the front, jumped up onto a table that had been warming and wrapped myself up like a burrito. There were even 2 pot holder looking warming pads for me to wrap around my arms.

 

I settled in. The radio was on. I attempted to drift off to sleep. And then my body caught on fire. It's hard to browse shoes on Zappos.com on your phone while your body has burst into flames. I kept resting my heels on some sort of hot pressure point, but every time I tried to reposition my feet, I'd stir up the heat in my burrito.

 

Sweat started to roll off me. Then I couldn't feel it rolling off because I had soaked my little plastic onsie. I sat up just slightly and a dam from within the onsie broke and sweat flooded the neck of my little disposable outfit. Now my hair is soaked.

 

The longer I'm laying there, the hotter I'm getting, and the faster my heart is beating. I started to speculate this was named the Fit Wrap because you needed to have some level of physical fitness before hand to live through it.

 

The hour passed and I was signaled by the machine by a pleasant beep that I could uncocoon myself. As soon as I stepped out, sweat poured out of the foot holes of my onsie. There was so much sweat on the floor, it looked like I had stepped out of the shower. I had to peel the onsie off-- it came off inside out like a wet bathing suit.

 

Please excuse my onsie.
It became quite see through.
 

At home I discovered I had sweat 2 pounds. I'm probably extremely dehydrated and the results are going to be temporary. I figure if you do it 2 times a week every week you could probably really lose some weight. It's no miracle. But its a help. And I can use all the help I can get!

 

Fit Wrap, you'll be burning my feet again in the near future.

New Fun Toy

James went all out for my birthday and got me an iPad. He's such a thoughtful dude. Now I can play all my addictive iPhone games on a much larger screen! AND I'm composing this blog on it right now. It's proving to be handy.

I didn't get a chance to play around with it today since I had to go to stupid work all day. But now that I'm home, I have all night to play with it. So far, the feature I'm enjoying the most is the photo booth.

 

It distorts pictures. Clearly. I hope you got that without me having to say it. I've had so much fun laughing to myself over these silly pictures!

Thanks for the awesome new toy, James! Muwah!

Old Lady

Let it be known, I love margaritas. I don't think that came as a surprise to anyone. For my 29th birthday I naturally needed to celebrate with my favorite beverage.

So I took a friend, who just recently had her 29th birthday so she could relate to my old age woes, out to dinner. We went to my favorite restaurant, Don Panchos, and I was ready to devour juicy delicious carnitas and guzzle margaritas like it was my job!

 

However, after half a plate of carnitas and rice, I was too full to eat anymore. We ordered a pitcher to split, and we couldn't finish it. I had a terrible stomach ache. All I wanted to do was put on pajamas and watch Project Runway on my couch.

Then it hit me...!
I suddenly got old on my 29th birthday. An old lady over night! If Mexican food upsets my stomach and margaritas are unappealing, then I don't want to be 29! I'll stay 28 forever! Back when life made sense and was worth something!

Happy Birthday to me. Welcome to old lady-hood.

Reply to:

Reply to Jackie DeGraf

Reply to Jackie DeGraf

Smile!

"Don't I have a pretty smile?"

Tanning for the Winter

I go tanning almost every winter. It's the only reliable way to keep my super itchy eczema in check. Eczema reared its ugly head over the past few weeks, so I knew it was time to get a tanning membership again.

I burned my butt today.

I purchased a tanning lotion that is supposed to be considerate towards not ruining my tattoos. The genius 90lb 16 year old working there couldn't explain the chemistry behind it. I bought it regardless, so whose the real idiot?

With purchase of tanning lotion, I was eligible for an AFTER tanning lotion for only $10. This magic lotion is supposed to seal the tan in. Ol' girl behind the counter said it would make it impossible to "shave off your tan when you shave your legs". (Holy Christ, Edward Scissor Hands, what do you shave your legs with??) I was intrigued.

She handed me a bottle so I could smell the lotion. It smelled good. I said I'd purchase it. She said she just applied some right before I came in the store. This is the bottle she sold me:

 

This is clearly the same bottle she just used to put on her own skin. Pump top pulled up, lotion drained from the top. I got a used product for the low low low price of $10. I was so confused and taken aback by the strangeness of being sold a "tester" product, that I just kind of awkwardly walked away with it.

I hope she enjoyed my lotion. It will probably just sit on the back of my toilet for a year before I eventually throw it away. Unless I shave off my tan... then I may consider using it.

EVAC. Represent.

Soaking wet all day! Yuck!

I have been in the Army 7 years. Not all at once, of course, since I foolishly got out of the Army for 3 years. (Turns out being a beach bum in San Diego does not pay the bills.) Anyhow, for 7 years I have been a medic. And as a medic, I have always had the pleasure of being in the Evacuation Platoon.

 

Well, when I was with the Combat Engineers, I wasn't necessarily considered EVAC. But when there are only 10 medics responsible for all the medical coverage for an entire battalion, you become an EVAC/TREATMENT hybrid. Like a TREVAC or an ETREAT. But since then, I have been strictly EVAC. Represent.

 

Anyway, the point I'm eventually going to make is that for 7 years I have been intimately involved with the Army's worst vehicle ever produced: the Field Litter Ambulance, or FLA.

 

 

These trucks are the biggest POS the Army has ever given me (over and over again) the pleasure to work with. First off, I have never seen one that was newer than a 1980's model. And not even a late model, these things are nearly as old as me. Secondly, if I don't have to jump 1 of my 8 FLAs once a week, a miracle has happened. They're falling apart. All of them.

 

Today I gave a class those in the CSH who do not deal with these beasts on the regular: in the pouring rain. They always say, It ain't training if it ain't raining. I try to never utter that sentence, but the rest of my Army counterparts love saying it.

 

It's hard to get people motivated to hoist 200lb people by hand into these vehicles in the pouring rain. I seem to find myself giving these sorts of classes frequently. Somehow in these past 7 years, an invisible stamp has been put on me that will forever link me to this damned vehicle. When do I get my chance to sit in the TREATMENT tent and stay dry or warm or cool? I'm always in the field doing the lifting or sweating or on the fly mechanic work.

 

But I'm really not bitter. I love being in the EVAC family. I always have. We are where the hard work happens and I'm proud of my Soldiers.

 

7 years with the FLA... and I probably have 7 more ahead of me!