Breast Reduction

I had my breasts reduced yesterday.

I wasn't nervous at all... until I was sitting in my little hospital gown, my hair in a hairnet, my feet in socks with traction bumps, and I saw the woman come out of surgery before me. She was knocked the fuck out and looked dead. That freaked me out a little because I knew that would be me in a few hours.

The anesthesia doc was kind of a douche and barely spoke to me. He was too busy bragging to the other doctors about his ocean front property in Costa Rica to be bothered with small talk with a patient. Whatever. When he finally knocked me out, I coughed on the gas a few times and the next thing I remember someone was banging on the table beside my head telling me to wake up-- probably that same douche doctor.

I spent the night at the hospital and had a cocktail of antibiotics, morphine and Percocet. I watched TV and slept between visits from the nurses. The nurses insisted on having my room door open, so as not to wake me up everytime they opened and closed it, but these bitches were in the hallway all night laughing and carrying on. I didn't sleep worth a damn all night between them and the pain in my chest.

I look like crap!

This morning before I was discharged I got to see my surgeon again. He took the dressings off and took a look at his handy work. I was a little afraid at first to see my breasts. I was afraid they'd be mangled and that my nipples would look like burned up pepperonis. Much to my pleasure, they actually look perfect. Perfectly smaller. I'm still swollen, but from what I saw this morning, I'm going to be thrilled with the end result. My surgeon said he was equally as pleased with the outcome and that I will heal beautifully. Yay!

Life is going to be so much easier. I'm going to feel so much better-- physically and emotionally. I'm so happy I made the decision to have this surgery. Thank you Army. :)

Good Bye Boobs

My breast reduction surgery is in less than a week. I'm preparing myself for surgery-- I'm starting to get very excited. I wish I could say parting with these breasts was going to be bitter sweet, but honestly, it's just going to be sweet.

Gone will be the days when my back hurts from simply folding laundry. Running will be far less painful. And the embarrassment of my boobs haphazardly bouncing while I run will be no more. Thank god the unwanted and shamefully obvious stares will stop!

Gone will be the days that I have to buy a "large" to accommodate these breasts. Wearing a shirt that buttons up will become an option again, as well as shirts with a logo. Shirts with designs will not be distorted across my chest any more.

I am not afraid of surgery, even though I've never had one. I'm excited. I can't wait to feel better. And to look better.

Thank you Army for this opportunity. (And for footing the bill!) I leave for Fort Gordon, GA on Monday. Wish me luck!

Master Bath Re-do

We re-tiled the master bathroom. When I say "we", I mean I handed James the tiles in the esthetically pleasing way I wanted them laid down and sat in the shower and watched. It looks really good! We sure are getting handy. There I go throwing that "we" word around again.

Before. Yuck.

After. Yay.

5 Star Camp Bullis Resort

Before I get the heck out of this National Guard hell, I thought I'd share some of the sweet accomodations that were provided for us-- free of charge.

Toilet paper placed directly on the floor. Bonus: stink beetle.

Open showers to ensure zero privacy.

Toilets across from one another so you can
 look into your battle buddy's eyes while you pee.

Book your reservations now for next summer. This unairconditioned haven could be yours if you act now!

Sold Into Slavery

Now, I'm not exactly sure how this happened... but I think I joined the National Guard somehow. I don't remember signing anything or reciting an oath, but I sure have been working like a slave for these idiots since I failed out of EFMB. Sold into slavery.

The Failure Platoon (made up of failures who weren't allowed to leave Camp Bullis because their units didn't release them) was mostly people from Fort Campbell, and more specifically, people from my unit. So the Failure Platoon became cheap labor for the National Guard.

We were out there busting our asses to help break down the EFMB site. We took down all 50 land navigation points. We tore down the trauma lane and folded up 15 cammo net sets. Since the lanes were being taken apart, things were being hauled away as we went. What did they take first from every lane? The water buffalo. WHY? In 100 degree weather what logical reason would you have to remove the water source while people were conducting hard labor?

Anyhow, while out in lovely Camp Bullis I found several species of dinosaur that I'd like to share:

I'm not sure what is in the water down at Camp Bullis (clearly the same water the Soldier Medics aren't allowed to drink). Whatever it is, it makes BIG bugs.

Here We Go Again

Same old shit again. EFMB fail #3. I'm really starting to get tired of losing.

I went all the way to San Antonio, Texas and all I got was this sweet superhero mask tan line.

Day 1 and 2 Are Just One Blurr

We had our first look at our EFMB land navigation site yesterday.

The bummer about the way the EFMB training schedule works, is 1 platoon gets screwed and has to do night land nav before day land nav. Its a logistical thing-- happens to someone every time.

I am in that lucky platoon that got to wander the hills of San Antonio at night before ever laying eyes on said hills in daylight. It makes for a tricky task to locate 4 points when you have no idea where you are.

The trickiest part was the National Guard getting their shit together so we could begin. At the last minute an order came down that no candidate will walk the EFMB site without eyepro.

That wouldn't have been a problem if we had been told to bring some. Half of us didn't have clear eyepro. I was part of that select group. We had to wait for S4 (supply) to bring out glasses to the lane. They didn't show up until 2300 (that's 11:00pm for you non army folks). 4 hours are allotted to you for night land nav. That puts our end time at 0300. We have morning formation at 0500... no exceptions.

After walking that lane all night and finding all my points (I'm awesome), I got less than an hour of sleep before I had to go to my next training site. Holy crap my platoon was tired today!

Not to mention it was hotter than Satan's breath all day. Of course we were in an area with minimal shade. My uniform smells like death but there's no reason to put a fresh one on everyday since I'll immediately sweat through it. I'm not scared to be the stinky kid.

Hot and sleep deprived, I'm signing out for the evening to try to get some sleep before my all day date with the sun again tomorrow. Goodnight.

EFMB @ Camp Bullis, TX

I find myself at yet another EFMB. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed the third time is the charm for me.)

Hello Camp Bullis and the 111th Multifunctional Medical Brigade!! Wahoo!!... Never heard of it? Thats ok-- neither has the rest of the Army because it's a Texas National Guard unit.

So far things have gone less than smoothly, kicking off with a complete lack of available drinking water in 100 degree heat and culminating in the candidates arriving to an event that had yet to be put together.

Literally. Zero things had been put together when we got here 3 days ago. In fact, we're still waiting for them to be put together. We're in training limbo. Just existing in 12 man CHUs studying for something we have yet to lay eyes on. Something that has yet to be created!! You say that sounds difficult to prepare for and yet mind numbingly boring at the same time? Yes, you are correct.

Tomorrow my platoon will begin training (tentatively). We drew the short stick and get to start our training with night land navigation. BEFORE you get to see the course in the day light. Sounds fantastic. Sounds also like there will be lost soldier medics in the woods.

Sigh. I'm just hoping Fort Sam Houston blesses off and validates this training tomorrow so this EFMB gets off its feet. I will not have driven 14 hours to be turned back to Fort Campbell because the Texas National Guard didn't get their shit together!