I can Hear!

I'm in the middle of scheduling all my appointments for my airborne physical. I want to go to airborne school to learn how to jump out of airplanes when I get back to the States. There is a long series of things you have to do to make sure you are physically sound enough to do that. Yesterday I took my hearing test.

In case you've never taken a hearing test, I'll tell you about it. You are stuffed in a tiny "sound proof" room. You put on a head set and grab the cord with the clicker on the end and you sit as still and quiet as a church mouse (are church mice really more quiet than mice who choose different dwellings to infest?). The head set magnifies every sound in the booth. I don't think it's supposed to, but it sure does. And if you're in a booth with other people, every movement they make is painfully distracting and loud. Luckily, I was the only one in the booth this time.

The test begins. A recording of a very serious man explains the test: push the button when you hear the tones. You start hearing very faint tones in one ear at a time. I always start anticipating the tone and I frantically hit the button at the slightest suggestion that one went off. The sound of my breathing was incredibly distracting, so I sat there, slack-jawed mouth-breather style to hear better. Out of no where a recorded very serious woman told me there were no tones being sounded but I was pushing the button. She might as well have said, "Hey dumbass, quit being trigger happy!" I thought I failed the test... mostly because that lady told me I was a loser 3 times during the test. But I ended up doing really well! I can hear! That recorded lady was just a bitch!

Later, I was in the chow hall minding my own business. I was looking at a display of individual serving sized salad dressings. I chose fat free French dressing. As I was reaching for it, a complete and total stranger yelled in my ear, "QUEER!" I didn't know my assailant, nor did he make eye contact with me. Basically I was a victim of a random drive-by insult. I guess he thought my salad dressing decision was poor. The only thing I'm sure of, was that I heard him clearly.