Star Status

I had my moment (finally) when I realized that I am truly a celebrity. I've waited my whole life for this. It was like I was Britney Spears and it was totally rad. Except... I'm only famous in Iraq, so maybe my star status isn't as big as Britney's. I'm more like those Muslim rappers (oh yes, they exist and it's hilarious) that have no chance of being recognized outside their country.

So this is how it went down: we're pulling security at a Court House red ribbon cutting ceremony, and the place is crawling with Iraqi Army dudes, as well as US Soldiers. There are plastic chairs set out in the hall outside the conference room so a bunch of us from both Armys were sitting out there chilling. One of the Iraqi Army guys got up and handed me his cell phone. He was showing me a picture.

The picture was of me! Taken weeks ago!

Instead of being totally creeped out, I was totally flattered. It's not every day that someone you don't know carries around pictures of you! It was like that was the secret hand gesture for the photo shoot to begin. All the Iraqi Army guys had picture phones. They wanted pics with me, pics of me alone, pics of me not smiling (probably so it's easier to super impose my head on someone else's naked body, eew). The more I'm thinking about this, the creepier it's getting....

I got a few pictures with some of my stalkers, I mean, fan club on my own camera. This dude had the most epic moustache I had ever encountered. He also had a gross onesie on that did nothing for his figure. He chained smoked about 75 cigarettes while he made disgusting kissy faces at me from under that 'stache.

I was horrified. But, unlike Britney, I love all my fans and I put a smile on my face and soldiered on (pun intended).