Sold Into Slavery

Now, I'm not exactly sure how this happened... but I think I joined the National Guard somehow. I don't remember signing anything or reciting an oath, but I sure have been working like a slave for these idiots since I failed out of EFMB. Sold into slavery.

The Failure Platoon (made up of failures who weren't allowed to leave Camp Bullis because their units didn't release them) was mostly people from Fort Campbell, and more specifically, people from my unit. So the Failure Platoon became cheap labor for the National Guard.

We were out there busting our asses to help break down the EFMB site. We took down all 50 land navigation points. We tore down the trauma lane and folded up 15 cammo net sets. Since the lanes were being taken apart, things were being hauled away as we went. What did they take first from every lane? The water buffalo. WHY? In 100 degree weather what logical reason would you have to remove the water source while people were conducting hard labor?

Anyhow, while out in lovely Camp Bullis I found several species of dinosaur that I'd like to share:

I'm not sure what is in the water down at Camp Bullis (clearly the same water the Soldier Medics aren't allowed to drink). Whatever it is, it makes BIG bugs.

Here We Go Again

Same old shit again. EFMB fail #3. I'm really starting to get tired of losing.

I went all the way to San Antonio, Texas and all I got was this sweet superhero mask tan line.

Day 1 and 2 Are Just One Blurr

We had our first look at our EFMB land navigation site yesterday.

The bummer about the way the EFMB training schedule works, is 1 platoon gets screwed and has to do night land nav before day land nav. Its a logistical thing-- happens to someone every time.

I am in that lucky platoon that got to wander the hills of San Antonio at night before ever laying eyes on said hills in daylight. It makes for a tricky task to locate 4 points when you have no idea where you are.

The trickiest part was the National Guard getting their shit together so we could begin. At the last minute an order came down that no candidate will walk the EFMB site without eyepro.

That wouldn't have been a problem if we had been told to bring some. Half of us didn't have clear eyepro. I was part of that select group. We had to wait for S4 (supply) to bring out glasses to the lane. They didn't show up until 2300 (that's 11:00pm for you non army folks). 4 hours are allotted to you for night land nav. That puts our end time at 0300. We have morning formation at 0500... no exceptions.

After walking that lane all night and finding all my points (I'm awesome), I got less than an hour of sleep before I had to go to my next training site. Holy crap my platoon was tired today!

Not to mention it was hotter than Satan's breath all day. Of course we were in an area with minimal shade. My uniform smells like death but there's no reason to put a fresh one on everyday since I'll immediately sweat through it. I'm not scared to be the stinky kid.

Hot and sleep deprived, I'm signing out for the evening to try to get some sleep before my all day date with the sun again tomorrow. Goodnight.

EFMB @ Camp Bullis, TX

I find myself at yet another EFMB. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed the third time is the charm for me.)

Hello Camp Bullis and the 111th Multifunctional Medical Brigade!! Wahoo!!... Never heard of it? Thats ok-- neither has the rest of the Army because it's a Texas National Guard unit.

So far things have gone less than smoothly, kicking off with a complete lack of available drinking water in 100 degree heat and culminating in the candidates arriving to an event that had yet to be put together.

Literally. Zero things had been put together when we got here 3 days ago. In fact, we're still waiting for them to be put together. We're in training limbo. Just existing in 12 man CHUs studying for something we have yet to lay eyes on. Something that has yet to be created!! You say that sounds difficult to prepare for and yet mind numbingly boring at the same time? Yes, you are correct.

Tomorrow my platoon will begin training (tentatively). We drew the short stick and get to start our training with night land navigation. BEFORE you get to see the course in the day light. Sounds fantastic. Sounds also like there will be lost soldier medics in the woods.

Sigh. I'm just hoping Fort Sam Houston blesses off and validates this training tomorrow so this EFMB gets off its feet. I will not have driven 14 hours to be turned back to Fort Campbell because the Texas National Guard didn't get their shit together!

Area Beautification

My Soldiers and I were doing a little area beautification today. You'd think that kind of thing would stop after basic training, and that it definitely would stop after I was promoted to Sergeant (2 years ago). But there I was, pulling weeds in a garden full of weeds along side of my Soldiers.

Who ever landscaped my company building was out of their damn minds because they planted decorative glass and black eyed Susans in a ditch and then dumped a bunch of mulch around it and called it a day. Well that was over 2 years ago and we aren't given a landscaping fund to keep the mulch nice. So the ditches became 99% weeds. We pulled about 80% of those weeds. By hand. It was awesome. And by awesome, I mean, it was terrible.

While I was down there digging around I turned over a rock with my ungloved hand and came face to face with this fat lady black widow. She and I were equally unhappy about her discovery. I didn't kill her, instead I just kept my eye on her. The she disappeared while I was preoccupied and it made me wary. I stopped pulling weeds in that particular area. Just another joy of working in the South.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom I've ever had!

I love you, Mommer.

EFMB Is Over... For Me

In an effort to keep my blog professional and upbeat, my only remarks on this subject are: I failed EFMB again.

Thank you.

The Written Exam

I took the written exam for EFMB today.

I passed!!

Holy Jesus, hallelujah. Only about 30% of the candidates passed. And only 12 in my platoon. They'll have another chance to take it if they make it all the way to the road march-- which is the final event. Lucky me, I don't have to worry about that!

This test had some out of control questions. The subjects were field sanitation, detainee operations, warrior skills and 68W sustainment. 60 questions and you can only miss 15 to pass. Somehow I passed even after having to make some crazy educated guesses. I don't know what my actual score was. It is simply a "go" or "no go" event.

I got a "go"! Day 1 down-- only 3 lanes, day and night land navigation and the 20k left ahead of me. Wish me luck!

"It's In My Tick Wounds!"

Yesterday we had our last practice rounds of land navigation before the EFMB test week begins. Between our iterations, the only place we could take shelter from the scorching sun was in the wood line. The wood line is also where the ticks dwell in mass.

It was a lose-lose situation. You either dehydrated instantaneously in the sun or you battled ticks in the woods. And really, at times, I didn't know which was the better deal. Ticks assaulted me from all sides. I couldn't even relax because I had to be on constant guard.

I must have pulled 20 ticks off of my body and killed at least 20 more that I saw advancing on me in the mulch. I have bites all over my body. I'm itchy and even more paranoid than before. I put on bug spray in a futile attempt to protect myself but all I really did was get bug spray in the tick wounds on my neck-- which burned like Hell!

I got back to the billets and this was taped on the wall:

Yeah right, I'd have to send off a baby food sized jar full of these little assholes to Environmental Health if I followed those suggestions.

Fort Campbell is the home of the Air Assault and, apparently, the Tick Assault.

EFMB (Also Known As Free Lyme Disease)

It is currently the end of day 4 of EFMB train up. EFMB is the expert field medical badge. It's a very tedious training event designed for army medical personnel that results in being rewarded a little badge that looks like this:

That may not seem impressive, but that little piece of shiny for my uniform means a lot to me and other Army medical peeps.

This is round 2 for me at EFMB. I attended one at Fort Lewis in 2009 and made it through all the lanes without a hitch and then went ahead and failed the last task: the 20k foot march. Time allotted is 3 hours or less and I finished 6 freaking minutes too late. But I'm not bitter or anything...

Anyhow, I'm out here again trying for this badge at good old Fort Campbell. It's been hot, muggy, humid and stormy-- everything you could ask for in a Kentucky Spring. Another lovely thing about Fort Campbell this time of year is the massive population of ticks living in the woods.

I am also living in the woods.

In the past 4 days I have plucked 25 ticks off my body... that is a conservative guess. Some of these nasty little vectors are so small they make gnats look big. Others are big with flailing little red arms and white dots on their gross little bodies. I find them on my clothes, in my clothes, on my body and attached to my body. I've found so many I feel phantom ticks crawling on me constantly. I see them tactically moving through the grass waiting to hop on board and feast on my blood. I'm tick paranoid and it's all down hill from here seeing as I have 10 more days before EFMB commences.

So WHEN (please Jesus let me get the badge this time so I never have to do this crap again) I earn the EFMB, I think a free dose of Lyme Disease is going to accompany it .

After all, who doesn't like free stuff!?!? Thanks Army!!