I go out on mission for hours at a time. I do not have the luxury of peeing where ever I want like the boys do. There is a lot of careful consideration to be had when I have to pee in sector.
For instance, my vest easily weighs 30 pounds. Try squatting in that, without peeing on the stupid groin protector or your boots, and then standing back up. Without a wall or tree, it can be difficult to hoist yourself back up after a good long piss. If I choose to open 2 Humvee doors like a makeshift stall and pee between them, chances are an Iraqi kid is going to walk over to see what I'm doing. Then you have to contend with the river of urine that somehow always runs towards your feet. I can't pee in a bottle as easily as the boys do when we're on the road. The mouth of the bottle is too small and I have zero accuracy. I have to cut the top of the bottle off and turn it inside out to make a funnel. Then that damn 30 pound vest is in the way again. I can't see what I'm doing and if I miss the bottle then I have to sit in my own pee for the rest of the mission.
I want to put it out there that I will wait until my bladder is about to explode before I decide to pee. Bladder infections have nothing on my will to not deal with my femininity.
A fellow soldier medic offered a solution. It's called the Freshette. It's a little dish with a tube that you put in your pants to catch urine and then filters it through the tube like a tiny plastic and totally convenient 6" retractable penis. It even comes in a plastic zip lock pouch for easy storage. That means this thing is reusable. I'm not so sure I want to carry around something in my pocket that I've been peeing on all day. Nor do I want to face the torment and ridicule I will receive from the MPs once I bust this thing out and pee standing up next to them. Good try, my friend, but I'm going to continue putting my body through unnecessary bladder distress to save from the weirdness of this contraption.
The package has a disclaimer that reads, "Inquire for information on various lengths of tubing available." Hmm, I wonder what you may need a 3 foot retractable fake penis for?
Hmmm, inDEED!
ReplyDeleteI was going to tell you about a product called Go, Girl, which sounds very similar to Freshette but has a perkier name, but . . . never mind.
I feel for you, my dear. I remember many inconvenient (usually outdoor) peeing sessions that were often unsuccessful. True, I didn't have a 30-lb. pack, but I WAS drunk and/or stoned.
Carry on, soldier!
I'm not even going to get into the difficulties I've had peeing while drunk. Your niece got in trouble for peeing in the street in Seattle. What a Drunky-drunkerson, she is.
ReplyDeleteI am really enjoying your blog. Your Grandpa told Leona about it. I have had some peeing difficulties myself. It is amazing how you can look at a rock, that no one else would notice, and just know it is the perfect one.
ReplyDeleteJean Zinnen